Free Napalm and Silly Putty by George Carlin Page A

No, they probably do it at three in the morning, wearing black T-shirts and ski masks. I think this has gone far enough. I want to know what’s going on. My friend is still perfectly healthy, and I’m concerned.
    ? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-24” ??Punk Bands I Have Known ?
    Tower of Swine
    Room in My Shorts
    Mary Krenwinkle’s Revenge
    Sphincter Hoedown
    Basket of Fire
    Trees for Lunch
    Glandular Imbalance
    A Fine Way to Die
    Let’s Pull Our Eyes Out
    Sewer Transaction
    Cosmic Groin Pull
    Pudding Disease
    A Rare Twinkie
    Rubber Thoughts
    Vaginal Spotting
    The Note Fuckers
    Puke All Night
    Anal Lace
    Gorilla Tits
    Harmony Sucks
    Warts, Waffles and Walter
    Mess-Kit Germ Colony
    Hideous Infant
    Clots on the Move
    Systematic Rejection
    The Stillborn
    Household Pest
    Breach of the Peace
    Thankless Child
    Persistent Rain
    Days of Doubt
    Sack of Shit
    Hole in My Scrotum
    Ed, Formerly Don
    Cocaine Snot Groove
    Hilda Fucks
    Waitress Sweat
    Infected Mole
    This Band Needs Practice
    ? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-25” ??A CAT IS NOT A DOG ?
    Most people understand that cats are completely different from dogs, and generally they like them for different reasons. One quality people like in cats is their independence; they appreciate a pet who can take care of himself. “I never have to do a thing. He cleans his room, makes his own clothing, and drives himself to work.”
    Unlike dogs, who are needy and dependent, and who like you merely because you know where the food is located, cats don’t get all hung up on fake affection. They don’t go nuts and slobber all over you when you come home, the way a dog does. They parcel out a certain limited amount of physical affection from time to time, but it probably has more to do with static electricity than anything else.
    “Not Me!”
    Cats have another quality I find admirable: blamelessness. When a cat makes a mistake, he doesn’t accept responsibility or show embarrassment. If he does something really stupid, like jumping onto a table and landing in four separate coffee cups, somehow he passes the whole thing off as routine. Dogs aren’t like that. If a dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it by looking at the dog; he acts guilty and ashamed. Not the cat. When a cat breaks something, he simply moves along to the next activity.
    “What’s that? The lamp? Not me! Fuck that, I’m a cat! Something broken? Ask the dog.”
    “I Meant That!”
    A cat can make any mistake appear intentional. Have you ever seen a cat race across a room and crash into a glass door? It doesn’t faze him at all.
    WHIZZZ! SPLAT!!
    “I meant that! I actually meant that. That’s exactly what I was trying to do.”
    Then he limps behind the couch, holding his head:
    “Oh, Jesus! Fuckin’ me-ooow! Goddamn fuckin’ me-ooooooow!”
    Your cat is much too proud to let you see him suffer. But if you look behind the couch, you’ll see him recuperating from a domestic mishap.
    “Hi. Tried to jump from the sofa to the window. Didn’t make it. Tore a ligament. Got milk?”
    Rub Me Tender
    Cats are very tactile; they love to rub against your leg. If you own a cat, and you have a leg, you’ve got a happy cat.
    “Oh boy, oh boy! I’m rubbing against his leg! How I love his leg!”
    If you have two legs, you’ve got yourself a party.
    “Oh boy, oh boy, two legs! Now I can do the figure eight.”
    They love to do the figure eight: around one leg, in between, and then around the other.
    “Oh boy, oh boy. I’m doing the figure eight.”
    He’ll rub against your legs even if you’re not there yet. You might be twenty feet down the hall. As soon as he sees you coming he starts walking sideways. He doesn’t want to miss a shot at your legs.
    “Oh boy, oh boy! Here he comes! Soon I’ll be