Free Napalm and Silly Putty by George Carlin

had a really good view; I could actually see my house. There’s always a bright side.
    I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.
    J: How’s that?
    I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn’t you?
    J: Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didn’t have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.
    I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.
    J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldn’t see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.
    I: And what do you think about Christianity today?
    J: Well, I’m a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That’s how come he’s laughing.
    I: You wouldn’t want to be a Christian?
    J: No, I wouldn’t want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if it’s me. Buddha’s laughing, meanwhile I’m on the cross.
    I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?
    J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?
    I: Are there really angels?
    J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you can’t get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.
    I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?
    J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, it’s one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.
    I: Do you really answer prayers?
    J: No. First of all, what with sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them don’t even get through. And between you and me, we just don’t have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like I said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just can’t keep up.
    I: Well, I think we’re about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
    J: Hey, no sweat.
    I: Do you have any words of advice?
    J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?
    I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
    J: Well, I don’t know how spiritual it is, but I’d say one thing is don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
    I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.
    J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.
    ? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-23” ??I WISH I HAD MY MONEY BACK ?
    Do you ever wonder who empties the wishing wells? That’s our money. I’ve never received an accounting. It’s just gone. Someone, apparently, is emptying the wishing wells and keeping the money. And I’m wondering whether or not that cancels out the wishes. Suppose it’s a wish that takes time to come true. Like if you wish some friend of yours would develop cancer. That takes time. How can it come true if your nickel has already been rolled in a wrapper and deposited in a bank?
    And when does this coin retrieval take place? I’m sure they don’t do it on Sunday afternoon as some little girl is tossing in a penny, wishing for her daddy to come back from heaven.