Free Machine Of Death by David Malki, Mathew Bennardo, Ryan North Page A

to stay the hell away from him. Then he gathered up the whole family, all of them staring at me, and stormed off. I’ve been shaking for the last hour. I don’t think he’s going to tell his family. Well fine, I guess I’d rather not know, so maybe they’re better off not knowing. But…how will not knowing help them prevent a fire? Or, if the machine really is accurate, is it too late to prevent it now? 
    Sep 15 – Well, the machine works, I guess. It’s just got a sick sense of humor. The guy whose card said JOY died over the weekend. No orgy, no heart attack from winning the lottery. He was run over walking home from the library. By a woman named Joy. That’s really messed up. I’m sort of freaking out over this. How does a machine know the name of the person who runs you over? And why wouldn’t it say RUN OVER? The sample card said CRASH , not the driver’s name. It’s like it was toying with him. Is that what it was? A joke? A machine joking about death? It sounds stupid but why not? I mean, a machine isn’t going to die, right? That’s the big advantage to being a machine. Finally, after doing every little thing we’ve told them to do, a machine is lording something over us. Seriously, no wonder it says ALMOND . It delights in being ironically vague. I hate this thing. I’m sleeping with the lights on tonight. 
    Sep 23 - I had someone come in for a second visit today because--get this--he lost his card and forgot what it said. He forgot. Did I just meet the stupidest person in America? Is this person the reason that my instruction manuals are 60% warnings and all the good TV shows are canceled in favor of pap? I told him he should write it down next time. Speaking of how death makes people stupid, there was a new announcement from Tammy in Human Resources. All new employees will be subject to getting a readout from the death machine. I am required to pass on the results to her. Current employees are strongly encouraged to share their results with Human Resources, but it’s not required. I don’t like the sound of that. Also, I’ve gotten a ton of people coming in, with a lot of vague results. The JOY thing has me second-guessing all of them. One man got RAM. He was thinking goat. I’m thinking Dodge. So he’ll probably get smashed in a battering ram, just to prove us both wrong. Another one was BLOCKAGE. Will his arteries be blocked? Will his way to the hospital be blocked? Poor Beth is probably going to be killed by someone born in July. And what about Fallin’ Paul? I keep wondering if there’s a way autumn could kill him. Tammy already knows his card, and Mike’s, and a bunch of others. I’ve been trying to keep an ear to the wall to hear if anyone else who has taken the test will lose their jobs. I’ve heard that Dr. Caine drew SHIV. If that doesn’t spell bad news for your future, I don’t know what does. 
    Sep 30 – Someone managed to stump the machine, from the looks of things. His card said ${c\} NIKCLE . What does that mean? Death by aliens? I asked if he had any ideas. He said he was in a really bad car accident, and keeps having dreams about car accidents every night, and wanted to know if that’s what would kill him. No, lucky you, you’ll be killed by a ${c\} NIKCLE , which for all I know could be a new kind of car invented ten years from now. I called our distributor at EndVisions, and they’re going to send someone out to see if there’s a problem with the machine. I have taken the liberty of hiding this log in my desk, and getting a new one that makes it look like I’ve been running the same four tests every week and that we’ve had all kinds of users who always keep their results confidential (except for Mr. ${c\} NIKCLE ). I’m a little worried that I screwed it up somehow. I guess if he gets mad, I’ll blame it on the fact that I’m stuck in a room with no view and a death machine, and understandably, it made me temporarily insane. 
    Oct 7 – Well, I can take