Free Machine Of Death by David Malki, Mathew Bennardo, Ryan North Page B

comfort in knowing that the EndVisions tech isn’t any more knowledgeable than I am. Actually, I take no comfort in this at all. Neil, the rep who came in, had no idea why the machine would say JOY when it meant RUN OVER . Or what it means when the sample says ALMOND . I’m disappointed. I kind of trusted the distributor to know these things. Neil’s pretty sure that Mr. ${c\} NIKCLE won’t die from a car accident. He guessed the cause of death was a dollar, a penny, and a nickel, like he’d make a deal with a loan shark but end up being a day late and $1.06 short. So, like I said, Neil’s no expert. Maybe this will be a mystery for the ages. He was impressed with my (fake) record-keeping, but even more impressed with the way the office has embraced the machine. He said that most offices don’t usually use it on their own employees, much less factor the results into their hiring practices. He was even talking about using our lab as an example of EndVisionary Thinking in the next newsletter. Apparently Neil helps edit it. He asked what my card said, and I lied and told him ELECTROCUTION . His card said STROKE . He seemed proud of that fact. He plans to go skydiving next summer, since he knows it won’t kill him. I immediately thought that he’d land in a lake, try to do a breaststroke, get a cramp, and die. I did not mention this to him.  
    Oct 14 – I was interviewed for a news story. Candace Harrelson, the reporter, wanted me to tell her what some of the stranger results have been, but I didn’t tell her much. I said that some of the more typical results are CANCER , CRASH , and HEART . I also mentioned the ALMOND one, and they asked me to verify that one guy whose card said JOY . Candace came in knowing a lot already. I don’t think I was much help to Channel 5 Prime Time News. Apparently the story is going to be about how the machine is sometimes cryptic, but never wrong. They’ve compiled results from machines throughout the country, and have two dozen predictions that have all come true. Candace even volunteered to find out her own results. They filmed me drawing the blood and everything. She was talking about how easy the process is, and how the results are printed up on a single business card, with the same results every time. I had to just sit there and wait for her to stop talking before I informed her that she’s going to die by BULLET . For a second, just for a second, she got this funny look on her face. Then she wrapped up by saying, “A harrowing prediction. Will it come true?” It was completely professional-news-reporter sounding. Totally didn’t match the shocked look on her face just a second earlier. My guess is the station will cut that part. She spent the whole report basically convincing the viewers that the predictions always come true, but she gets hers, and suddenly there’s a question? I’m sure that part will never air. That’s too bad really. So many people come in here, and they’re all easygoing until they see the card. Then, suddenly, they’re serious. Almost panicked. I’m sure I’ll see a rush of people come in here after the story airs. I just wish they’d show that one second, where Candace Harrelson stops reporting the story and starts thinking about her mortality. That’s what the real report should be about. 
    Oct 21 – I was right. I’ve been swamped. I watched the report, and sure enough, they cut the part where Candace hears how she’s going to die. Instead, after the report, Mark the anchorman asked if she took the test herself, and she said, “Maybe. But I’m not telling.” I guess she figures I won’t squeal, since I wouldn’t tell
her
anything. Since the report, I’ve heard from the media almost as much as I’ve heard from new customers. The death machine is the talk of the town. It’s bigger than Tickle-Me-Elmo. I can only guess how well Tell-Me-How-I-Croak-Elmo would sell. Some people are coming back for a second run. One guy came in with a