Free Nanny Piggins and the Wicked Plan by R. A. Spratt

still pretty serious).
    ‘I found this,’ gasped Michael, as he waved a screwed-up scrap of paper.
    ‘Found it? You haven’t been climbing into dumpsters again? What have I told you about that?’ demanded Nanny Piggins.
    ‘I must never climb into dumpsters without you,’ chanted Michael, ‘because it’s not fair to let you miss out on all the fun.’
    ‘Exactly,’ said Nanny Piggins approvingly.
    ‘But I didn’t find this in a dumpster,’ said Michael. ‘I found it in the bin in Father’s office.’
    ‘You were searching your father’s rubbish bin?’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins. ‘Why? We only searched it yesterday.’
    ‘No, I wasn’t searching,’ explained Michael. ‘I was just looking for something unimportant to spit my gum into, like his cheque book, when I found this.’
    Nanny Piggins looked more closely at the crumpled piece of paper. She smoothed it out on her thigh. It was a handwritten note, with lots of crossings out and corrections, written by Mr Green.
    It read … Wealthy attractive lawyer, who drives a Rolls Royce, seeks wife to clean house and look after children. Applicants must not pester me with problems, concerns or any type of conversation .
    ‘What is this?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘It’s a personal ad,’ said Derrick.
    ‘A personal what?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Advertisement,’ said Derrick. ‘If you’re lonely and you want to meet someone, you can put an advertisement in the newspaper saying what type of person you’re looking for, and if anyone is interested, they write back.’
    ‘But that’s ridiculous. There are people everywhere. The streets are full of them. If Mr Green wanted to meet someone he could just walk out his front door,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘I don’t think Father wants to meet someone,’ said Samantha. ‘He just wants to get married. If he could do that without ever meeting the woman I’m sure he would.’
    ‘It’s all very well for him to get a wife from the sad, lonely women who read newspapers,’ saidNanny Piggins, ‘but that is no way to find you a mother.’
    ‘I don’t know what we can do about it,’ said Derrick.
    ‘Fetch me the bus timetable!’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Maybe there’s time to go into town and burn down the newspaper office before they print their next edition.’
    ‘We can’t do that,’ said Samantha.
    ‘Why not?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘“The Bold and the Spiteful” is on in five minutes,’ said Samantha.
    ‘Good point,’ said Nanny Piggins. (‘The Bold and the Spiteful’ was Nanny Piggins’ second favourite soap opera. She was not going to miss it just to burn down a newspaper office.)
    ‘We will have to come up with another solution,’ said Nanny Piggins.
    ‘We could always do nothing,’ suggested Boris. Bears were very good at doing nothing. They did absolutely nothing for four months every winter when they hibernated. This took a lot of willpower and an awful lot of videotape, because Boris didn’t like missing ‘The Bold and the Spiteful’ either.
    ‘Hmm … nothing, I like that idea,’ musedNanny Piggins. The commercial break was coming to an end and she secretly wanted to keep watching her soap opera.
    ‘After all, Mr Green can place an advertisement,’ said Boris. ‘But no-one in her right mind would want to marry him once she’d met him.’
    ‘Excellent point,’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins. ‘They don’t allow newspapers in lunatic asylums, do they?’
    ‘I don’t think so,’ said Samantha.
    ‘And blind and deaf people can’t read newspapers, can they?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘No,’ agreed the children.
    ‘And who else would apply?’ concluded Nanny Piggins.
    ‘No-one’ seemed the obvious answer. So Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children went back to watching their program.

    Unfortunately, whether because not all lunatics are in asylums, or because lunatic asylums have such low and easy-to-climb walls, Boris’ plan to do nothing did not work. Mr Green was