Free Richard Yates by Tao Lin Page B

that all humans are assholes.”
    “I’m sorry. I felt like shit when you called me and I realized I had fallen asleep. I cried when I ran to get you.”
    “I felt stupid,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I was going to go home when I was in the fi eld by the buses. You probably think I don’t know how hard you’re trying. You need to just look at your actions, not how hard you think you’re trying.”
    “Okay, I wasn’t trying hard. Okay. I wasn’t trying hard.
    I kept telling myself I needed to try harder but I didn’t do it.
    Now I’ve lost you and I’m fucked. So I’m panicking.”
    Dakota Fanning said she could fi x things.
    “You are my best friend,” she said. “Please.”
    “Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Do whatever you
    want. I’ll keep seeing you until I can’t anymore. Not as a favor. I like you. It’ll be shitty probably.”
    “Please,” said Dakota Fanning. “When you completely hate me, and never want to see me again, tell me.” She said she wanted to see him tonight. “You should see me later this mhp-yates-01.indd 67
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    week,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m leaving at 9:30 a.m.
    My brother wants me to read a potty training book before tomorrow.”
    “Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I will come later this week.”
    “Did you read Housetraining for Dummies yet?” said Haley Joel Osment’s brother in his girlfriend’s apartment in Connecticut the next afternoon. “No,” said Haley Joel Osment.
    “I didn’t get it yet.” His brother moved a pillow and picked up Housetraining for Dummies and said “You have to read it tonight.”
    “You should just get a robot dog,” said Haley Joel Osment. “That’s what you really want.”
    “No,” said his brother with a calm facial expression.
    Haley Joel Osment said something about housetraining.
    “Stop crying,” said his brother walking away.
    In the morning Haley Joel Osment showered and walked into the living room in boxer shorts. “Put on pants,” said his brother with an angry facial expression. “Now.” Haley Joel Osment made an angry facial expression and put on pants. His brother and brother’s girlfriend left for work.
    Haley Joel Osment was alone in the apartment. He went to his brother’s girlfriend’s computer and talked to Dakota Fanning on Gmail chat. “I have to go take the dog to shit,”
    he said around 10:00 a.m. “I’ll be back. Depending on if it shits.” He took Babo to a caged-in area in the parking garage and stared at it for about ten minutes, sometimes saying “potty, potty.”
    “It didn’t shit,” he said on Gmail chat.
    Dakota Fanning said she watched an hour-long
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    documentary about driver ants. She said they were blind and went on killing rampages. She said they built bridges out of themselves and sometimes ate each other. She said some more things about driver ants. “She seems really focused on ants, not on me, or something,” thought Haley Joel Osment feeling a little confused.
    “Ants are the only good thing in the world,” said Dakota Fanning.
    Haley Joel Osment asked if driver ants could eat a shark.
    “Only if it washed up on shore. They can’t swim.”
    “Can they eat Bruce Lee,” said Haley Joel Osment.
    “If he didn’t struggle, yes,” said Dakota Fanning.
    “If he only did front rolls. In an enclosed area.”
    “Yes, then. I think they could eat him. The largest colo-ny ever recorded was 20 million ants. 20 million ants could eat Bruce Lee I think.”
    “I don’t think so,” said Haley Joel Osment. “One front roll can kill 2,000 ants. So he just needs to do 200,000 front rolls I think.”
    “The pain would weaken him too much. 200,000 front rolls is a lot even for Bruce Lee.”
    “He can do one a second,” said Haley Joel Osment.
    “At fi rst maybe but as the pain got worse