Free Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell

children in the early months after the tragedy.
Of course, much of what they were able to provide depended on their own age and maturity, and whether or not they lived at home with us at the time or were instead in relationships or even marriages of their own.
    Barbara and Mike Eisenberg’s daughter flew home from a European trip on learning of her brother’s illness. She was with her parents at her brother’s bedside throughout the entire long ordeal. She shared every glimmer of hope and every terrible letdown with them until he died, and she’s been there for them ever since.
    Barbara Goldstein’s eldest son Philip took over the care and nurturing of his youngest brother Eric when their middle brother Howie died. Unasked, Philip stepped in and started taking Eric to ballgames and weekend amusements. He had Eric stay in his apartment at times and in general acted as the parent when his own parents were unable to do so. He wore a beeper should his parents need him or want to reach him quickly.
    Barbara G.: “Philip, our older son, said he was determined that our family would go on. We can never adequately express our gratitude for all that he did for us during the early times of our grief. Eric, who was sixteen at the time of Howie’s death, would rush home after school and sift through the mail, taking away anything he thought would upset me further.”
    Allegra Colletti was working in California when she learned of her brother Marc’s death. She phoned her parents and kept them on the phone for nearly two hours, trying desperately to comfort them. When she returned to Manhattan, she took it upon herself to console her father. He was already retired and time hung heavily on his hands as he brooded over Marc’s death. Allegra would insist he come into Manhattan rather than let him sit alone at home.
    At the time of Jessica’s death, Audrey and Irv Cohen were comforted by the love and wisdom of Deborah, Irv’s daughter from a previous marriage. Debi was already married with children of her own. The fact that she was a half sister, with her own family and extra years of maturity, gave her a perspective different from some of the other siblings described in this book. Her ability to speak easily about Jessica, and her happy faculty for keeping her own children aware that there was an “Aunt Jess,” has been and continues to be a blessing.
    Audrey: “Debi made talking about Jess an everyday occurrence. Each of Debi’s children has photos of Jess in their bedrooms. Debi recounts tales of Jess’s silliness or funny incidents. They still call her bedroom in our house, Aunt Jess’s room.”
    For the sake of our other children, we overcame enormous trepidation to cope with social events that loomed large in those early months. Several of us went ahead with engagement parties and weddings that had been planned months before the unthinkable occurred. We could not slight our surviving daughters and sons who had planned to marry before their siblings died.
    Phyllis: “Friends and family watched and seemed to take their cues from Mel and me as we walked our son Barry down the aisle several months after Andrea died. She and her sister Abbe were supposed to be bridesmaids. It was a very solemn time. The rabbi, knowing the situation, said little other than the necessary vows. Our son chose not to include Andrea’s name in a prayer at the ceremony, which was very difficult for Mel and me. We were very careful of how we took the family photos. We did not have a reception line. Abbe did walk down the aisle on the arm of an usher, but she collapsed after the ceremony. We all performed like robots, but we needed to be there for our son.”
    Carol: “I have two other daughters. My older daughter Shari was married and had three children already when Lisa died. They were a great comfort to me. But Wendy, our younger daughter, had a wedding coming up three months after. She’d gone through a lot when Lisa was sick; she’d come