Free Falling into Forever (Falling into You) by Lauren Abrams

starstruck eyes when you’re the last person in the universe with a tendency to be starstruck. So, you know what I did?”
    I really do not want to know what she did.
    “I dug through the dregs of tabloid archives, thinking maybe I would find a blog post or two from a young and idealistic Hallie Caldwell. ‘Oh, Chris Jensen, he’s so sexy. I want to have ten thousand of his babies.’ Did I find that?”
    “My guess is that you probably did not find that.”
    “Thanks, smartass. By the way, when did you decide to open your own comedy troupe? The Hallie Caldwell I know doesn’t make jokes. She’s taken a vow of solemnity.”
    My foot is still tapping out pop songs in the back of the cab, despite the forthcoming lecture. I can’t help it. Sometimes, sex just really is that good.
    “You’re killing my thought train here, Caldwell. Let me tell you what I did find. You can probably imagine my surprise when I used my friend Google to search out all traces of your past. Somewhere, in the depths of the Internet, someone posted a snapshot of a young, idealistic Hallie Caldwell looking up at a young and idealistic Christopher Jensen. But that’s not the crazy part. The crazy part is that she’s looking at him like he is the only person who ever existed, and he’s looking right back at her with the same expression in his own eyes. So, then I told myself, “Eva, this is crazy. Maybe Hallie was a model. Maybe that’s your little dirty secret. Maybe it was a posed picture.’ But then I kept digging. And I found another one. And then another. Jesus, Hallie, you were with him. With Chris Jensen. You were together. You were maybe even in love with him?”
    I am so not answering that.
    “I did tell you that I didn’t want to do the deal, Eva.”
    “I thought you didn’t want to do any deal! I thought you wanted to pretend that you were still the guidance counselor at Two Rivers High, and that your life was still exactly the same as it was two years ago.”
    “I did say that there were some other reasons that FFG wasn’t a good choice, Eva, or don’t you remember?”
    “Clearly!” She’s indignant, and I can practically see her rolling her eyes. “I wasn’t aware that you and Chris Jensen had history.”
    “It was a long time ago. I didn’t even think I would have to see him. After everything I’ve been through in the past year…”
    It’s a dirty trick, bringing up Ben , but I’m desperately trying to hold onto the memory of Chris looking at me like no time at all had passed, like we really were kids again, in love and happy and teasing and fighting and making love all morning and day and night. My buzz is drifting away, and I can’t come back down to earth. Not yet.
    “I know what you’re been through, Hals. I do.” Her voice is understanding, but there’s an undertone there, one that clearly lets me know that there’s no way she’s letting me get away with my bullshit. “I went through it, too. I loved Ben. Hell, everyone loved Ben. But you and I both know that this has nothing to do with that. Christ, you and Chris Jensen. You should have told me. I need to know if you’re contemplating suicide or fuckacide.”
    I could try to give her a snappy retort about needing to deal with my grief. But then Eva would just come back at me with an equally snappy retort about how it was time to stop using my grief to get out of telling her things.
    I laugh instead, and the sound of my long, loose peals of laughter surprises even me. It also causes the driver to snap his head around to stare. I can’t blame him. It certainly sounds like the laughter of a madwoman.
    “Hallie?” Eva’s voice is cautious.
    She definitely thinks I’ve lost my mind. She may be right.
    I manage to stop laughing. “No, I’m okay.”
    She takes in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Hals, I didn’t mean to accuse you…”
    “Yes, you did. I was laughing at the fuckacide comment and not losing my mind totally. I promise, if I decide