Free Chore Whore by Heather H. Howard

property. How cool is that? And Cork, you’ll be happy to know, Tommy wants to take it slow. He doesn’t want to rush into marriage. He’s a bit more traditional than all the Left Coast types, being from the South and all.”
    Is getting married five times within a ten-year period “traditional”? He has five children ranging in age from six to twenty-six with four of his five wives—what tradition is that? Then, of course, there’s the charge that he got married to wife number five while he was still legally married to wife number four.
    â€œI told Tommy Ray that I really like picnics, so we’re planning to stop on the first day and have one. I also told him that I really appreciate home-style cooking. So I need you to make us lunch for six. . . .”
    â€œSix? I thought it was just the two of you.”
    â€œWell, it was just gonna be the two of us, but Tommy Ray needs his office assistant, Dave, with him, and he promised the first assistant director from his last movie that he’d give him a ride back to Little Rock on the way home.”
    â€œOkay, that’s four.”
    â€œWell, there are only four of us going, but Bubba, that’s his first assistant director, eats for three. He’ll take up the entire third row of the SUV we’re going to rent.”
    â€œBubba? That’s not his real name, is it? Bubba?”
    â€œWell, if it isn’t his real name, he’s been called it for so many years he’s not telling anybody anything different. So, I’d like a menu of fried chicken, potato salad, black-eyed peas, coleslaw and a buttermilk icebox pie. Also, get some other food to snack on. You know, road trip food. And maybe for me, on the side, a braised tofu with sesame seed kale . . . but don’t pack that in the main cooler. I can just eat mine in private.”
    I try to envision where she’s going to have enough privacy to pee, let alone eat her tofu and kale. She’ll be road tripping with three men, one of whom takes up the entire backseat.
    â€œDo I have to make this by hand or can I order it and pack it as if you slaved in the kitchen making it yourself?”
    â€œOh no, I want you to make it. I bet you can whip up some good Southern-style food. I know you aren’t from the South, but you can cook anything, Corki.”
    â€œMaybe I could throw in some chitlins and home-fried pork rinds,” I joke.
    â€œYou know Bubba and Tommy Ray would probably love that, but I’m trying to steer him clear of pork right now,” Lucy says seriously. “I’m trying to clean up his diet.”
    Two weeks and she’s already trying to convert him. Good luck.
    â€œWe’re leaving tomorrow night, so if you could just whip this up in the morning, we’ll be out of your hair for the holidays. Oh, and buy some Bud Light for Bubba, Diet Coke for Tommy and Dave and mineral water for me.”
    I quickly jot down these notes and get ready to leave.
    â€œLucy, I have to pick up Blaise. Anything else?”
    â€œI know you’ve heard a lot about Tommy Ray, but most of it’s not true. He’s the love of my life and I really want you to feel good about him.”
    â€œI’ll try,” I say.
    We hug goodbye.
    The windshield wipers beat frantically back and forth in rhythm with the Gypsy Kings coming from Betty’s stereo speakers. I sing loudly, off key, making up Spanish lyrics as I go along. I pull up in front of the Baldwin Hills house Shelly inherited from her grandmother.
    I dash from my truck and knock on the front door.
    Shelly opens it looking frayed. Before I can say hello, she pulls me in and guides me to the front bedroom, then pushes the door closed behind us.
    â€œShell, what’s wrong?”
    â€œCorki, you know I love Blaise to death. Like one of my own.”
    â€œOh God, what’s he done?” I ask, my heart sinking.
    â€œI was cooking lunch, the kids were playing, and