Free More Than Her by Jay McLean Page B

just — it's been hard. Like, really fucking hard. It's not like I lost one parent, and the other was there to help me get through it. And even though I'm an adult I'm still a child...am I? If I don't have parents am I still someone's child? Oh my God. I'm not ready to do this."
    She started to cry harder.
    "It's not fucking fair, Logan." She was almost yelling now. "It's not fair. It's not right and it's not fucking fair. I shouldn't have to wake up one random day and have nothing — and I feel like I can't tell the only person I have in my life any of this because he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I just need to miss them, and that he can't fix it. He want's to make sure that I'm okay all the time, and that's great. That's perfect. But sometimes I just need to feel not okay." She couldn't control her breathing anymore.
    We were both sitting against the island. I put my arm around her and held her to me. She leaned in and rested her head on my chest. "I just need to feel not okay , Logan. I just need to feel the hurt . All of it. And I don't know that I want him to see that."
    I don't know what I was supposed to say. If I was supposed to say anything at all. But I got it. I knew exactly how she felt. Because I'd felt it too. So I told her.
    "Micky, I'm adopted."
    She instantly stopped crying and pulled her head off my chest, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion.
    "Alan, who you met yesterday — he adopted me, when I was a seven. He was the doctor that was working the ER the night my birth mother bought me in. My birth dad — he beat me pretty bad that night."
    She gasped.
    "I mean, he used to beat me all the time, so I guess it must have been pretty bad, because she took me to hospital..."
    "Oh my God." She looked at me, her eyes huge, her hand covering her mouth, tears still falling.
    "Yeah, Dad...uh...Alan...he saved me that night, and every night since then. My birth mom, she never came back for me. They waited a month. She never came."
    "Oh my God, Logan," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
    "No one knows, Micky. Just you. And I didn't tell you because I wanted your pity. I told you because..." I took a deep breath and thought about my next words. "I told you because I get it. I get what it's like to feel like you depend too much on one person. I felt like that with Alan. I still feel like that, every day. But I couldn't have done it without him, and I think we all need someone to be our strength sometimes, and if you don't want that to be Jake, then you can let that be me...if you want to, I mean. Look, I just... " I blew out a breath. She sat and listened to everything I said. "I just wanted to tell you that I get it. I know what it's like to wake up one day and have nothing — "
    "It's not the same — " she started.
    I interrupted her. "I know it's not the same, Micky. I know your family died...I'm stupid, I shou — "
    "No, Logan." It was her turn to interrupt me. "It's not the same because my family died , I can't see them ever again. You can see yours, but they're that bad a people that you wouldn't want to. It's not the same because I'll always have good memories of my parents and you — you don't even have that." Her voice broke. I held her tighter. Her arms went around me.
    I took in her words and let them sink in.
    I never thought of my birth parents as a memory. As something I could bring out when I wanted to. And I never thought hard enough for a good memory of them. And even if I did, I don't know that there would be any.
    "How do you do it?" she asked. "How do you wake up every day and be the person you are? That's a huge thing to happen to you, and it's not like you just go through life 'getting by'. How are you so normal?"
    I thought about my answer for a while. "Because, Micky, it's my past. It's not my future and it sure as shit isn't who I am. I'm not going to let that be me. I'm not going to let abusive or neglectful people ruin me. What they did — that's on them. That's their