Free Yesterday's Heroes (Consortium of Chaos Book 1) by Elizabeth Gannon

he had ever heard.  “Flying ‘ Slay ’
pulled by eight ‘ PainDeer ’.”  He shook his head in disbelief.  “I had no
idea that’s what you called those things, but it saddens me.”  He continued
reading the next entry and tried to forget the idiocy of these people.  “She is
currently wanted in all 50 states and 22 countries for murder, high treason,
regicide, arson, theft, kidnapping, carjacking, airplane hijacking, sleigh -jacking,
the illegal manufacture and distribution of explosives and firearms, violations
of Articles 1 and 5 of the International Antarctic Treaty due to her
setting up a ‘toy shop’ at the South Pole, tax evasion, carnal
knowledge… aaaaand the list just keeps going and I don’t have time to read all
the charges.”  He turned the page.  “She is only two appearances shyof
tying the all-time record for most appearances ever on the America’s
Public Enemies TV show, an honor which is currently held by Poacher…”  The
man at the other end of the table who was dressed like a big game hunter,
smiled in pride.  “…who has appeared a staggering eleven times.”
    Half the room gave Poacher a round
of applause, and the other half were clearly jealous of his achievement.
    Holly grabbed the file from Wyatt’s
hands and laughed as she flipped through it.  “Hey!  They even have that time I
kidnapped the President!  That was a fun one!”
    Wyatt sighed.  “Yes.  Great fun. 
As I recall, you tried to club me to death with a big titanium candy cane when
I attempted to free him, and then you had an army of giant robotic gingerbread
men run amuck through the downtown shopping district, blasting everything with
their ‘gumdrop grenades’.”
    She smiled.  “Oh , don’t worry.  You
can hardly see the scar at all.”  She giggled and moved her arms robotically. 
“Robots are so holly-jolly .”  She made little laser sounds and then
giggled some more.
    He sighed dramatically and moved to
the next chair.  “Code name: Henchmen.  Real name: Kevin Hench.  Age: 34. 
Hair: Brown.  Eyes: Brown.  No known powers.  No outstanding warrants.”  He
stopped and looked down at the man.  “And that’s all we had on you.  You really
don’t actually do a lot around here besides constantly get arrested, do
you?  This whole file is just your mug shots and your arrest history.”
    Hench frowned.  “Hey!  How come
Holly’s file is like two feet thick, and you guys didn’t bother following me! 
I’ve done stuff!  LOADS of evil things!”
    Wyatt rolled his eyes.  “Yes, I’m
sure you’re a criminal mastermind.  We’re all suitably impressed.”  He turned
to the next file and glanced across the table at its subject.   The man looked
and dressed like a typical slacker, and was slouched low in his chair,
apparently trying to fix his flip flop with duct tape.  Charming man.
    “Code name: The Cynic.  Real name:
Unknown.  Age: unknown.  Hair: Dark brown.  Eyes:  Red…which is really creepy
looking, by the way.  Runs the Department of Information Gathering and
Unrestrained Criticism for the C of C… whatever that is… but little else is
known about him.  Paranoid conspiracy theorist, who first rose to national
prominence by attempting to abduct the ‘Alec the Rooster’ puppet from the Farmer
Frank’s Barnyard Friends children’s television show…”
    Cynic’s face darkened.  “Little
fucker’s evil.  I mean, a talking rooster?   HELLO!?!  He wears a little
UNIFORM!”  He said the word like it was a self-explanatory justification for
kidnapping; a hint of an Irish brogue in his speech.  “Do you have any idea what
the Nazi’s wore?  Do you!?!  UNIFORMS .  A talking Nazi rooster?  That’s got to be some kind of evil magic shit going on there.”  He paused.  “…I mean some
kind of evil magic shit that we’re not responsible for, obviously.  Our evil
magic shit is not Nazi rooster related.”  He squinted at the other