Free Wanted Always (Xander Barns) by Sarah Tork Page A

suppress these feelings. I’m low. Ben better not come near me; I don’t know
if I have it in me not to pounce. I hold onto the wall behind me for support,
moving along with the line. All of a sudden, my body feels tingly, and a memory
from the past takes over my thoughts.
    The last
time we had sex.
     
    ****
    “Hey Johnny!” a familiar voice says, interrupting the
aftereffects of remembering the last time I had sex. Unfortunately for me, the
familiar voice belongs to the person who just gave me an orgasm in my memory.
    Ben.
    What the hell does he want all the way over here?
    I feel heat rush every pore of my face.
Careful not to look up, my eyes are melting with lust . I can literally feel every emotion from that last
time. Who knows what he’d take from that expression?
    Maybe hope?
    That would be conceding, even if my body
welcomed a quick concede to dim down some of my restless nerves. I keep looking
at the floor, waiting for Ben to leave.
    This is going to be torture. My body sways
to the right as Ben’s voice takes presence in my space.
    “Johnny, don’t forget to take your pills,”
Ben says to his brother.
    “Dude, I know, you don’t have to remind
me!” Johnny replies, exasperated, his voice clearly embarrassed from the call
out.
    Yeah Ben, he knows!
    Why couldn’t he just text him or do a hand
signal from his spot way ahead in the line? I mean, he didn’t have to leave his
spot just to remind his brother of something he clearly didn’t need reminding
of.
    Maybe he just wanted an excuse to make eye
contact with me? Well, if that is the case, then he’s out of luck, because my
vision is not going to leave the floor. The floor and I, we have a thing going.
Focus.
    “Alright, alright. Just , reminding you, little bro,” Ben says. A
few seconds of stalling and I sense that he has turned back and headed toward
his spot.
    Thank God! I glance up quickly and find
Darcy and Ben’s sister are staring
at me with a knowing smile.
    What?!
    “Why are guys staring at me like that?” I
narrow my eyes and look down at them. Give them a couple of years and I know
I’ll soon be looking up at them.
    I got the shit genes. I quickly glance at
Cameron; just a normal big sister habit of checking on my siblings. That’s my
first mistake. As I glance at my brother, who is in the direct line of sight of
Ben, my ex just happens to turn his head right at the moment.
    Great. He’s , going to think I’m staring at him, which I am now.
His beautiful eyes take control over mine in an instant, and for a moment , I think I spot sadness.
    Am I dreaming? Does he look sad? I blink
away the spell he’s trying to cast and look away. It’s a good thing some of
that heated memory has melted away, or else I’d have some explaining to do
later when he thinks there could be something that isn’t there anymore.
    There is nothing there anymore! I just
have to keep reminding myself of that. Please, let me have the willpower to
stand against him and not surrender.
    Please, I’m calling on a higher power
here; if you’re out there, give this girl here some mojo to be able to swing
back at her cheating ex.
    And I don’t care if it was just a kiss! I
don’t care that he thinks I shouldn’t have made it out to be bigger than it
was. And I especially don’t care that we were fighting that week, and things
hadn’t been good in a while because I wasn’t pulling my end of the deal.
    I was and am. I was and am! If that makes
sense. This girl will change when she sees fit. Not for anyone. Especially not
for cheating, ‘It was just a drunken kiss’ ex-boyfriends. The line progresses
forward as the DJ changes to a more relaxed big-band track. My mom probably
made the order, thinking something light and fun would be more appropriate
while all her important guests ate this high-class food.
    Speaking of high-class food, what did she
pick for this buffet? After a few minutes waiting in the line, I finally stand
in front of the plates and