Free The Mandates by Dave Singleton Page B

him or was recently profiled on
America’s Most Wanted.
    An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. And before a date, a few minutes of well-thought-out screener questions about your lives and common interests can save a lot of wasted time later.
    That’s why you have to have your standards. Write them down, laminate them, and put them in your wallet. Why? Because the world at large, aided by alcohol, societal pressures, and the lateness of the hour at the bar or party, will conspire to make you settle.
    Focus on the standards that matter to you, and make sure they are reasonable and attainable. Ask yourself if you would be able to achieve all the standards you set for one of your dates.
    Here’s a partial list of characteristics for you to mix and match and create your own list of standards:
    Has a paying job or other means of self-support
    Wants one-on-one intimacy leading to a long-term relationship
    Spiritual, believes in a higher power, that there’s a plan
    Drinks socially
    Drinks constantly
    Does drugs now and then
    Drug dealers call him when they are low on cash
    Very social, actually believes you can be close, intimate friends with hundreds of gay men if you throw enough parties
    Likes the outdoors, into hiking and being outside
    Likes the two seconds he is outside while racing to his heated or air-conditioned car
    Similar sex drive
    No outstanding warrants for his arrest
    No outstanding warrants for his arrest in your state
    Wants to have children
    Will consider having children
    Doesn’t want children because he is one
    Has compatible sexual appetite and proclivities
    Is HIV-negative or HIV-positive, depending on your status and feelings about that
    Believes in monogamy
    Believes in “if it moves, jump on it”
    Within four inches either way of your height
    Height and weight proportionate
    Has an extraordinary ___________ (for fetishists, pick your body part)
    Has been in a faithful, long-term (over a year) relationship before
    Has the same relative degree of “outness” that you do
    Socially acceptable manners
    When he eats, talks with his mouth completely full

23
    DON’T TRY TO BE OZZIE AND HARRIET— EVEN OZZIE AND HARRIET WEREN’T OZZIE AND HARRIET
    (And They Were
Straight)

    Gay men make a huge mistake when they choose to act like the perfect 1950s straight couple so that they’ll fit into some ancient definition of American success.
    Ozzie and Harriet, the quintessential symbols of post–World War II American domestic bliss, had their share of problems that the world never saw, and you will, too. Be more like the other Ozzy (as in Osbourne) and let it all hang out.
    Living twenty-four hours a day with an internalized ideal of how love should be is exhausting for anyone. But it’s a tougher road for gay people, and few walk that road without at least one fairly large carry-on bag full of relationship issues. For instance, how do you create a relationship with so few gay role models? How open or closeted are you as a couple? Do you feel shame about your relationship? Do friends and family know about you? Do the people at work think you are just roommates? Do both sides of your families treat you with respect as a couple, just as they do your straight siblings?
    Chances are you will have to endure more than most straight people when it comes to merging two gay lives. The best way to manage that is to reset the expectation of how easy coupling with another man will be.
    As you navigate the ups and downs of a new relationship, just remember that you:
    Don’t have to adopt dating or relationship roles (he cooks, you clean) just because your parents did.
    Can have more freedom in your daily lives if you choose. Men like freedom, and you don’t need to adapt to some straight norm that makes no sense for you. You can be more flexible with your schedules, more open about what you do together and apart than the traditional straight-couple norm.
    Do