Free Lullaby by Bernard Beckett

there
was still a future where our paths didn’t diverge.
    ‘Theo would drag me along to parties where Harriet would be, but I was useless. He
should have just given up, but the more pathetic I was, the more determined he became
to be the hero. He organised a trip into the hills. He decided we’d go for the whole
weekend: start at the gorge, get to the Forks before dark, then up over the ridge
and back down the mountain track. Since Mum and Dad died, we’d hadn’t seen much of
the forest. I only remember one time with a school group.
    ‘Mrs Struthers thought our plan was all part of the healing process, that we were
looking to reconnect with our parents. And in that way adults have of dividing the
world up into good and bad, she decided it was an excellent idea. I shouldn’t criticise
her, I got it wrong too. When Theo told me we were going hiking, I imagined star
prickled skies, burning calves, sausages too, and falling asleep exhausted. Until
he explained he’d invited Harriet and Georgia along. Georgia was the second girl
Theo’d had slept with, and they’d had an on-again off-again thing ever since. I liked
Georgia. She said what she was thinking and took no shit from anyone, not even Theo.
She wouldn’t complain about the walking, or the food, or having to dig you own toilet.
Or the fact that this was no normal hike, that she was being used as part of Theo’s
crazy project. Of course we started out all pretending there was nothing more to
it than four friends and the call of the wild. Even I, begin ner that I was, understood
the way anticipation is sweetened by denial.
    ‘But then the pressure got to me. My pack grew heavy and I fell silent. I can’t explain
why. Theo had done all he’d promised he would do. There was no work left, just play.
But somehow I contrived to resent him for it. I’m stitched together from pride and
fear, mostly. That’s the shameful truth of it.
    ‘Fear of what?’
    I don’t understand how Maggie could be so smart, and yet so stupid.
    ‘Embarrassment, confusion, rejection, public humiliation. Take your pick.’
    ‘What happened?’
    ‘During the walk, I disappeared inside myself. Theo overcompensated, telling jokes
and playing tour guide, but I refused to come out. Inevitably, I suppose, I reached
a place where everything looked different, even Harriet. I began to wonder why it
was she’d agreed to come along, whether it was Theo she was really interested in.
I was being a sulky little shit. It was nothing more complicated than that. Somebody
should have slapped me.’
    ‘So what did happen then, if not slapping?’
    ‘You’re laughing at me.’
    ‘I’m not.’
    Her face was serious but I didn’t buy it.
    ‘Do you regret the way you behaved?’
    ‘I’d lain beside Harriet and watched her stupid little ferret leave its paw prints
on her body, and I was being invited to repeat the experience, without the ferret,
or clothes. And I ruined it. Yeah, I regret that.’
    I was trying to tell it the way an adult would, cool and detached, but my face was
burning up.
    ‘What else do you regret about it?’
    ‘Isn’t that enough?’ I asked.
    ‘How did you ruin it?’
    ‘The campsite was a grass flat by the riverbed, broken up by clumps of young manuka.
The scrub gave us an excuse to pitch the two tents well away from each other. That’s
why Theo chose the spot. But I started to pitch right next to the other tent.
    What are you doing? Theo demanded.
    Putting up my tent.
    Not here.
    It’s flat.
    Get the fuck over there.
    I moved, but not far enough to make anybody comfortable.
    ‘After dinner Georgia and Theo had an argument. I didn’t hear the details, but I
can guess. Georgia was the one he could never get over, the only person I ever saw
him need. She would have helped convince Harriet to come along, as a favour to Theo,
and Georgia’s favours came at a price. By the time the campfire was glowing, my mood
had infected the group. Even a session of post-dinner