Free I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max Page A

monkey whorehouse with a bag o f bananas .
    What really cracks me up is when girls ask me if I'd do something lik e this again. Of course I wouldn't. I already fucked a fat girl once, wh y would I do it again? That's a stupid question .
    I found out later that Credit and Hate came home early that nigh t because the y saw Carry and Amy out, and those two bitches told them I was home with FatGirl. The next day at law school was quite fun . SlingBlade "Wait-you threw her clothes OUT your window ? HAHHAHAHAH A . She must have been huge. " Tucker "No, she wasn't that fat. Just overweight. " Credit "I don't know Max. I thought we had rhinos on our apartmen t Last night. " PWJ "It was that bad? " Hate "The floor boards were heaving and moaning. " Credit "I think she drove off in a cattle car. " Tucker "Whatever. As far as I am concerned, this never happened. I f your friends didn't see you, it doesn't count. I'm invoking that rule t o get out of this. " JoJo "Then you haven't hooked up with a girl from the website. " PWJ "Carry and Amy saw you. " I hate having smart friends. I guess that ends the debate: I fucked a fa t Girl on purpose .
    THE NOW INFAMOUS TUCKER MAX CHARITY AUCTION DEBACLE
    Occurred-Summer 2000 Written-September 2002
    Everything I am about to tell you is true. This is the complete and unadulterated story, as I can best remember it, behind my infamous summer with Fenwick and the very famous "Tucker Max Charity Auction Debacle" email.
    Let's start from the beginning: In May of 2000, my buddy SlingBlade and I drove out to Palo Alto to work as summer associates at a law firm called Fenwick & West. It was the summer between our 2nd and 3rd years of law school at Duke. The internet and tech boom was hitting its crescendo, and as we arrived in Silicon Valley, the Nasdaq was set to pass 5,000.
    Remember those days?
    Almost immediately upon arrival, I realized that I HATED being a lawyer. My mental picture of what being a lawyer entailed did not include spending countless hours every day sitting in a lifeless office, surrounded by boring people, doing idiotic and ultimately meaningless paperwork. Unfortunately, that is all that a corporate lawyer does. When you are a lawyer, your job is to clean up the messes of others, to rubber stamp and make legal someone else's real work, to essentially be a paper custodian for the people who actual do important things. The people at Yahoo and Cisco and Network Solutions (all our clients) actually did something; what did I do? Stupid, mindless, and utterly irrelevant bullshit. I was a junior paper-monkey, and I hated every second of it. Honestly, I wish I could say it was the firm, I wish I could blame the people or the place, but that was not the case. I hated the very nature of the job. Being a lawyer SUCKS.
    When I am bored or unhappy, my behavior becomes akin to a crackaddled ADD monkey until I find something to occupy me. The law firm and the work bored me; so what did I do? Did I endure the boredom And soldier on? Or better yet, did I find a productive output for my creativity, like I did with my website in law school?
    No.I got drunk and acted like an asshole. Virtually every day, and especially at firm events where the liquor was free. If being a lawyer was Not interesting, I was going to make it that way, goddamnit.
    The first Friday I was there, the firm had an all-day orientation for the incoming summer associates. The night before, I got my roommate and myself into the SOMA magazine opening party in San Francisco, where I got completely shit-faced and went home with one of the models at the party (at least, she told me she was a model, but who really knows). When I woke up at 6am the next morning, in her house 'in Oakland, I realized that I had not carefully thought out the ramifications of this act. My firm is far from Oakland, and I had to be at work at 9amfor the start of summer associate orientation.
    First things first: I rooted around in her purse, noting the large