Free I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max

start creepin g towards my door, conspiratorially whispering to each other. I spring ou t of bed, dive at the door and lock it just in time to prevent them fro m charging in. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about thei r yelling and bangingon the walls : Hate "MAX!! BRING OUT THE FATTY!! LET'S SEE HER!!! " Credit "Tell her I have a cheeseburger! " Hate "MAX!! LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT HER!! BRING HER OUT! ! WOOOOOOOOOO-WEEEEEE! ! " Ofcourse, I couldn't help but laugh. That shit is funny. But it wasn't th e best part: FatGirl"What are they talking about? Should we go out there? " Tucker "Uh, no. So ... do you just want to spend the night? It's alread y like midnight. " FatGirl "I would love to, but I can't. I have to go to work tomorrow, an d I can't leave from here for work. In fact, I need to get going real soon. " Tucker "Let's just wait a minute before you go. " Great. Now how do I get her out of here without my roommates meetin g her ?
    Hate and Credit eventually settled down in the living room t o Watch TV, and I devised a plan. Since the door to my room faces th e Front door to the apartment, I didn't need to move FatGirl through th e Living room to get her out of the apartment. I could just rush her fro m
    my room out the front door and to her car . Tucker "Alright, you put your clothes on and then we need to get yo u out of the apartment. "
    FatGirl "Get me out? What about your friends? Don't they want t o Meet me? " Tucker "Trust me, you don't want to meet my friends. They are evil . Rapists and murderers, both of them. Very unsavory characters. " FatGirl "No, I want to meet them. They sound fun. " Tucker "This is not an option. " FatGirl 'Tucker, you are not hustling me out of here like some prostitute. " Tucker "Fine, but meeting my roommates is not an option. " FatGirl "But Tucker, I want to meet your roommates. Hold on, let m e pee and then I'll put my clothes on and go out and meet them. " Areyou kidding? The day I bend my will to a fat girl's is the day I retire . I considered my options for a second, then very calmly opened th e window in my room and heaved all her clothes out into the yard. Sh e was confused when she came out of the bathroom .
    FatGirl "Where are my clothes? " Tucker [As I pointed out my open window] "If you want to meet m y friends, you are going to do it naked. " Talk about a priceless facial expression . FatGirl "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? " Tucker "You can either go out the window after your clothes, or yo u can run out the front door and go get them. It's dark out. No one wil l see you. Or you can meet my friends naked. " She stood there in shock for a good ten seconds. Not about to lose m y momentum, I quietly opened the door to my room and pointed to th e front door. She looked out the window, and even though I am on the firs t floor, I guess she didn't like the idea of going through a window to ge t her clothes, so she jogged, lumbered, whatever, to the front door , opened it and ran out. I followed her and locked the door behind her .
    Problem solved .
    As I nonchalantly sat down in the living room, my roommates kind a stared at me in a surprised what-the-fuck manner, then they got u p and went into my room. Hate "Max, where is she? " Tucker "She's gone." Hate "Wha- how- where is she? " Tucker "I hustled her right the fuck out. I'm not about to let you jackal s see her." Hate "AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. " Credit "I wondered what that stampede sound was. "
    Postcript
    I tell this story a lot, and people, girls especially, often ask me if I regre t what I did. Well, first they get real mad at me and act like they ar e offended, but then they ask me if I regret it. In a way I do; it was kind a mean. But I was only like 23 when it happened; what do you expec t from me? Compassion? Caring? Should I have just invited her out t o meet my friends and stay for a nightcap? Yeah, I guess that's wha t most guys would have done. And that's why most guys are hard-u p schmucks who couldn't get laid in a