Free God Is Disappointed In You by Mark Russell

jeez, I really hate to be a snitch!) are rebuilding the walls to their city. Do you know if they’re allowed to do that? I thought they were just supposed to be rebuilding their temple. It seems odd that they would be rebuilding their city walls instead. Unless, of course, they were planning some sort of revolt. Just saying. Hey, maybe that’s something you want to look into!

    Signed,
    Your loyal subjects and biggest fans

    When the king got the letter, he called a halt to all construction until the building inspector could look into it. After years of delay, when it became clear that the Jews weren’t planning a revolt, work on the temple was allowed to resume, which prompted yet another letter.

    Dearest Ruler of Heaven and Earth, Lord of the Ants and the Birds and All That,

    Hello again from the Trans-Euphrates! Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads up: we were driving through Judah last weekend, and couldn’t help but notice that the Jews are back at work on their temple. When we asked to see their building permit, they didn’t have one, but said that one was on file back in Persia. Is that true? Hate to be a stickler, but maybe they should stop work on the temple until the permit can be verified?

    Signed,
    Concerned citizens

    Work on the temple was delayed once again while the king retrieved the correct permits from the archives. Sick of being bothered by these people, the king sent them a response:

Dear Friends in the Trans-Euphrates,
    After a long, exhaustive search, we have located the permit you requested and found it to be in working order. I’m saddened that the legality of this temple’s construction is causing you so many sleepless nights. I really don’t want this matter to weigh on your minds anymore, so from here on out, work on the temple will continue unabated, and if anyone sends me another letter or tries to stop the construction in any way, I will pull a beam out of their house and impale them on it.

    Hopefully this will finally put your concerns to rest.

    Signed,
    Your Loving Monarch

    Work on the temple continued undisturbed. The King of Persia then sent a letter to one of his Jewish scribes, named Ezra.  

    Dear Ezra,  

    Persia recognizes that a valued and motivated workforce is the key to a successful empire. That is why we are committed to celebrating our subjects’ unique cultures and religious beliefs.  

    Unfortunately, we seem to be experiencing some challenges in convincing your people to reclaim their rich and vibrant way of life. Here in the Persian Empire, we believe that citizenship begins with education and ends with empowerment. To that end, we would like you to lead a coterie of priests, judges, and artists back to Jerusalem to rediscover old traditions, foster your religious identity, and promote your ancestral homeland as a place of inclusion and opportunity.  

    To help you get started, please accept the enclosed four tons of silver, eighteen tons of wheat, and six hundred gallons of wine.

    In Commitment to Excellence Through Diversity and Empowerment,The King of Persia

    Excited to see the land he’d grown up hearing so much about, Ezra eagerly took the king up on his offer.
    Now, as any seasoned traveler will tell you, when you romanticize a place in your mind, you’re bound to be disappointed when you get there. And this is what happened to Ezra. When he finally got back to Jerusalem, he was shocked.
The place was a wreck. The Jews who were still living there had gotten incredibly sloppy in their religious observances and nothing seemed to be done by the book. And worst of all, the men had all taken to marrying pagans. This last one drove Ezra apeshit, a point he drove home by pulling his beard right off with his bare hands. 
    “Have you people learned nothing?” He screamed, chin still hurting from his beard-pull. “The whole reason God allowed us to be conquered in the first place was because we started worshiping foreign gods. And the reason we started