Free Heroes, Rogues, & Lovers: Testosterone and Behavior by James McBride Dabbs, Mary Godwin Dabbs

levels of testosterone with each new generation. Vervet monkeys are good-natured ground dwellers that live on the African savanna. The females take part in selecting leaders from among the males in the troop. The females, who do not like overly excitable or combative males, promote calm and peaceful leaders. 21

 

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In harsh environments, females need helpful mates to raise viable offspring, with the result that the genes of the most negligent males tend to die out. Men vary in the amount of attention they give their families, but as with other animals, sexual selection has worked in favor of men who meet the needs of their particular environment. Thus it is not surprising that research shows that men who live in colder climates tend to be more monogamous and reliable than men who live in warmer climates. 22 Nevertheless, whatever the climate, human infants are dependent for a long time and need a great deal of parental attention. Evolutionary pressure to be responsible mates and good providers has affected both men and women. It has restrained male competition and kept men from becoming too brutish a bunch, at least most of the time.
There remains an uneasy relationship between men and women, who are often at cross purposes with each other. This uneasiness is part of folklore. In T.S. Eliot's poem "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," Prufrock shies away from talking with his lady friend because he is afraid they'll misunderstand each other. 23 Eliot stated the problem poetically and offered no solution. The sociolinguist Deborah Tannen and the actress Katharine Hepburn both offer solutions. In You Just Don't Understand , Tannen writes that men and women have different conversational styles. She believes that men and women who understand this will "accept differences without blaming themselves, their partners, or their relationships." 24 Hepburn has another strategy for harmony between the sexes. She says, "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then." 25
Tannen and Hepburn live in different social circles, and their ideas show it. Tannen works with literary and academic people. Their well-developed verbal skills indicate that the men in the group would often be lower than average in testosterone. Hepburn, on the other hand, works with actors, generally a high-testosterone group whose success depends on a charismatic way of speaking the words that other people write. * Tannen is trying to overcome the gap between men and women. Hepburn has accepted the gap and come to terms with it.
* Other differences in testosterone between these occupational groups are discussed in Chapter 6.

 

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As is often the case with opposite points of view, both Tannen and Hepburn are right. Men and women do misunderstand each other. Better communication would help, but it will not solve everything. Whether or not disagreements are resolved will depend on how hard the parties try and how different they are. The parties can differ in temperament, interests, and commitment to a relationship. Tannen's strategy succeeds with people who share interests and enjoy each other's company, but for others, even Hepburn's "next door" is too close. Jack Nicholson bought a house ten minutes away from his own house for his girlfriend and their two children. Nicholson sympathizes with the male who is in danger of becoming obsolete because he has "too much testosterone for society to control." Still, Nicholson is not totally beyond help from Tannen's solution. He has periods of what he calls "intermittent monogamy." He says, "It's a matter of communication." 26
Some couples combine the Tannen and Hepburn strategies. Carolyn, my sister, and Rick, her husband who died a few years ago, were married over forty years and had many common interests. They were committed to their family and to their relationship; nevertheless, they had what Tannen calls "different conversational