Free More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux Page A

some cases, for some people, circumstances may make change even harder than usual. For example, if you've just had another big change—a new job, say, or a big move, or a marriage or divorce, or a new baby—additional changes might cause you a lot more stress than they otherwise would. In these situations, it's common for people to look at polyamory and how it could change their lives, and then try to limit the amount of change that can happen. In our experience, this tactic doesn't work very well and has a host of negative consequences, which we discuss in chapters 10 and 11.
    A very common example is couples with young children. One real example we know of involved a couple with two very small children, one just a few months old. The mom was under intense stress, as often happens in such situations, and was emotionally volatile. As a result, the couple had a lot of restrictions in place to control each other's relationships. These restrictions were causing a lot of pain for the father's girlfriend, who was deeply in love with him but found her relationship with him unable to grow, while she was obliged to perform services such as babysitting for the couple in order to continue to have access to him.
    In situations like this, it's easy to fall back on the idea of "putting the children first." Clearly, parents need to be able to live their lives in a way that allows them to care for their children's needs and provide loving, stable homes. (More on this later.) But too often, this need is used as an all-purpose shield to deflect any analysis of how a couple's behavior might be affecting other partners, or how it might be damaging their other relationships. Anything that looks like criticism can be framed as attacking the couple's right to care for their children.
    Make no mistake, kids change things. They did not choose to come into the world, or choose the people who care for and make decisions for them. Only slowly and painfully, over many years, are children nurtured into agency and personal capability: with the ability to think and plan, to learn and make rational choices, to develop judgment and individual responsibility, and to consent or withhold consent.
    When children come into a home, for the first time there are truly immature people present, making childish and selfish demands that have real moral legitimacy and must be dealt with. You have a choice how to deal with the issues, but you can't ignore them. Children add a categorically different new dynamic to the mix and, especially when they are very young, significantly subtract time and attention from adult matters. But that still doesn't mean you can use their needs as emotional blackmail or to excuse unethical behavior in the adults around them.
    Being an ethical person means being ethical to everyone—partners and children. Children are not an ethical Get Out of Jail Free card: it's possible to be both a responsible parent and an ethical partner. We discuss ethical approaches to polyamory with children, with real-life poly parenting stories, in chapters 13, 15, 17 and 24.
    Remember that not every time in your life will be a good time to add new partners. If you have young children and you simply can't stand the idea of your partner having other partners without, say, instituting a hierarchy, you might wait until your children are a little older before you start new relationships. If you (or a partner) are struggling with anxiety, insecurity, depression or other issues that leave you (or them) sobbing under the covers when the partner is with someone else, you could get into therapy and learn some coping strategies, or avoid polyamory altogether, instead of bringing someone into your life but surrounding them with metaphorical barbed-wire fences to keep them from getting too close. If you are dealing with a recent betrayal, you might want to work with your partners on building trust before testing that trust by investing in someone new.
    If a particular