Free More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux Page B

relationship decision, such as placing a partner under a veto is unethical, don't make excuses for it by saying, "But I have to because…" Try reframing the situation. Instead of looking for partners who will let you treat them unethically, who will let you compromise their agency or keep them at arm's length, ask yourself if you are in a position to seek new partners at all. Put another way: It is not ethical to hurt one person to protect another. It's better to look at yourself and the relationships you have and ask what you need to do, individually and collectively, to enable you to have relationships that will let you treat everyone well.
    MAKING ETHICAL CHOICES
    Ethical decision-making is not always easy. That's fitting, because the measure of a person's ethics lies in what she does when things are difficult. We believe every decision that affects other people should be examined from an ethical perspective. Ethical relationships are something we do , not something we have . Being an ethical person means looking at the consequences of our choices on others. To make ethical choices and treat others with compassion, you need to have a strong internal foundation. Building this foundation is the subject of the next chapter, which begins Part 2: A Poly Toolkit.
    QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
    Here are some questions we can ask when making decisions that affect other people, to help guide us toward ethical relationships:
     
Have I disclosed all relevant information to everyone affected by my decision?
Have I sought input from everyone affected? Have I obtained their consent where my decision overlaps their personal boundaries?
Does my decision impose obligations or expectations on others without their input or consent?
Am I seeking to have my needs met at the expense of the well-being of others?
Am I imposing consequences that will make others feel unsafe saying no to me?
Am I offering others the same consideration that I expect from them?

PART 2
    A POLY TOOLKIT

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    TENDING YOUR SELF
    To be a good person,
    you have to always want to be
    better than yourself right now.
    P . Z . MYERS
    Polyamory is awesome. But as you read this book, you might wonder why anyone would walk down this road. We're asking a lot of you, dear reader. We tell you what can go wrong and illustrate our lessons with messy examples from our own lives. So you might be tempted to throw up your hands and say, "Polyamory sounds hard!"
    But polyamory is awesome. By opening ourselves to multiple romantic connections, the two of us have built amazing lives, filled with love and brilliance. Every person we have invited into our lives has made them better. Despite all the hard parts, neither of us would consider for even half a second going to a life of monogamy. We are nourished by the people who love and cherish us. Every partner we have had, all the relationships we have built, have made us stronger, taught us, supported us, made us better human beings.
    We keep hearing that polyamory is hard work. We don't agree—at least not for the reasons that people say. But developing the skills to be successful in poly relationships? That's a different story. Learning to understand and express your needs, learning to take responsibility for your emotions...that's hard work. Once you've developed those skills, poly relationships aren't hard. The skills we're talking about aren't all unique to polyamory; they'll benefit any relationship. But poly will be really, really challenging without them. These skills have to be learned . And, alas, they aren't often taught.
    Think of it like tilling the ground before planting a garden, so that things will more easily grow. You're learning a way of approaching relationships that helps them run smoothly. What skills are we talking about? Communication. Jealousy management. Being honest, compassionate, understanding. These are not easy to master. Relationship skills are emergent phenomena ; they come from developing ways of thinking about