Free The Weight of Love by Jolene Betty Perry Page A

room.
    “I’m ready for the next one.” He chuckles as he lets me go. I step into the kitchen where Elder Worthen and Elder Smitts are sitting at the counter. Nerves flit through me at the thought of our brief moment in the hallway—real or imagined.
    “How was your call home ?” I ask needing to think about something else. Anything.
    “I’m home in a couple of week s, but it was still nice. Makes me anxious.” Elder Smitts chuckles and pulls a cookie off a plate in front of him.
    “And how about you?” I let my ey es shift to Worthen. I want a clue as to what he was talking about. I want to know more about his family and his brother, Gage.
    “Good.” But he doesn’t smile, just maintains. “It’s the first time since coming out here that I miss home.”
    “What do you miss?” I ask before thinking.
    He glances down briefly. “I miss my family, of course, but I’m also missing some of the freedoms I had before my mission.”
    “Music? Movies?” I tease. The guys are always talking about what movies they’ve missed.
    He runs a hand through his hair and his eyes don’t meet mine. “No.” There’s another pause. “Neither.”
    “Sorry.” So, so sorry because I finally feel like maybe, just maybe… it’s me. And I have to find away to be okay around him. Maybe he’ll be around here until he goes home? Maybe we’ll get time to learn more about one another or something .
    “It’s alright. I really just have a little over four months. Elder Smitts here takes off shortly, then I’ll get someone else in this area, and then I’m down to three months. I never thought, when I started, that I’d be counting down. I kind of didn’t want to be, you know?”
    Counting down. I’ve done that. “I can understand that. I counted down when Matt was gone, too. Both times…” I don’t see the room, the guys. All I can see is the post-it notes on the fridge. I’d write little things on each day. 100 days – made cookies, your favorite kind. 99 days – saw a small red fox with a baby. 98 days – watched Men In Black, I know how you love that movie. 97 days – spent all day missing you. “I obviously didn’t make it to the end on his second tour.” And now that it’s out, I realize how personal it was. Wow. I suck in a breath because my chest fell in and I didn’t realize.
    Sharon puts her arms around me from the side. My eyes catch Worthen’s for a moment.
    “Sorry.” His voice is a whisper.
    “Come on.” Elder Smitts grabs his arm so they can join their group in the living room.
    “You okay?” Sharon asks after they leave.
    “Yeah.” I nod. “I’m okay.” My eyes burn with fresh tears. It hurts, but with it comes hope. There’s a little more of that each time. A little more hope that I won’t carry this around forever. Well, I will carry it around forever, but maybe it won’t weigh me down forever.
    She kisses my temple and rubs her hand up and down my arm a few times.
    “I don’t know where that came from,” I whisper.
    “I’m always full of memories on this holiday.” She gives me one more squeeze before walking away.
    I stand in her kitchen. I still have it, that spot of hope in my chest. It won’t be quenched. It won’t die. I tried to kill it for a while, when the news was still fresh, but it stuck. I still have a lot of life, a lot of things to do, and that’s a good thing. With that thought, I know right now, in this moment, that I’m going to follow Kyla to Utah. It nearly kills me to admit that I’m ready to let my life in Alaska go, but I think I am. If I’m not ready, I’m still going to try, and maybe the force of moving will simply make me ready.
    The thought, the realization of leaving fills me and warms me, and I know I’ll be able to do it. No ma tter how hard it is; I’ll be able to do it because I’m doing the right thing.
    I close my eyes. Thank you.

     
     
    12
    ELDER WORTHEN
    STILL CHRISTMAS DAY
     
    “Now?” I ask.
    “Y eah.” Sister Allen