Free Stop Running from Love: Three Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing and Fear of Intimacy by Dusty Miller Page A

easier ways to go about it than committing to a long-term, live-in relationship that usually requires monogamy, child-rearing, and a promise to remain loving through sickness and health.
    Men should not be shamed into believing that they are less fluent in the language of emotions and desires than women. Men may demonstrate their love by actions rather than through verbal expression, but they are also too easily discouraged from talking about matters of the heart. And women are too often led to believe that because they are more accustomed to talking about their feelings, they are off the hook in the distancing department.
    The Problem Is Sex
    Focusing too narrowly on sexual satisfaction is another mistake that can interfere with genuine intimacy. Both men and women can experience satisfying sex but still be lonely distancers. Conversely, some people can achieve deep levels of intimacy even when the relationship is no longer sexual.
    It’s easy to become confused about the difference between sex and intimacy because the word “intimacy” is frequently used as a euphemism for sex. Many layers of distancing behavior can be buried under the belief that the problem with intimacy is all about sex. “She won’t open up with me” is the frequent complaint of the male partner who feels shut out sexually but doesn’t fully comprehend the underlying complexity of the problem.
    Through the gradual process of breaking down old taboos, beginning with the sexual liberation movement of the ’60s, there has been increasing cultural permission for both men and women to be open about what they want sexually. In contrast with the sexual repression of previous decades, this is a good thing. But even sexual freedom can end up being a problem if it is the sole focus of change.
    Attributing all relational problems to past traumatic experience also can be just as problematic as thinking that relationships will be automatically transformed by simply learning better sexual skills. Whether or not an individual has experienced sexual distress in the past, it is a mistake to believe that getting good sex therapy will be the panacea. This can be particularly disastrous if sex therapy becomes a series of anatomy lessons for the purpose of reaching an advanced level of sexual gymnastic ability.
    Good chemistry and good sexual skills may help a relationship to work, but focusing all the solutions in the sexual arena can leave the heart of the relationship to somehow fix itself. This is similar to other oversimplified solutions to love’s challenges, like believing that better communication will be the magic bullet, or that you have to live with loneliness because you’ve fallen for the modern myth that you and your partner are from different planets.
    When Parenting Interferes with Intimacy
    Parenting is a very demanding and very important part of adult life for many women and men, but, unfortunately, it can seriously erode couple intimacy. When professionals or friends collude in keeping the focus entirely on parenting issues, the underlying distancing in the couple’s behavior can escape detection and leave one or both partners trapped in continuing loneliness.
    This form of distancing happens most often when one parent is much more involved with the children than the other. Another variation in eroded intimacy occurs when one parent becomes jealous of the other’s closeness with the children, which sometimes leads both parents to become distancers. Another type of erosion in the couple relationship can take place when both parents are so consumed with parenting their children that they have no time left over to nurture themselves as a couple. Still another scenario happens when the parents engage in major battles around child-rearing issues, and by so doing demolish their capacity to feel tenderness and affection for each other.
    All of these dilemmas require intervention, but focusing exclusively on the parenting issues may overlook yet