Free Stop Running from Love: Three Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing and Fear of Intimacy by Dusty Miller Page B
Authors: Dusty Miller
another kind of distress. In many of these situations, parents may use the need to nurture their children to distance from true intimacy with each other, without having any idea they are doing so.
When the Past Threatens Love
Too much or too little focus on the past can also lead to intimacy failures. Sometimes, the past can obstruct necessary repairs to current intimacy when there is denial of its impact. On the other hand, experiences from the past can remain so central to someone’s emotional life that the current relationship (or potential partner) becomes eclipsed.
Some people distance from intimacy because they haven’t been willing to look at their past relationships. They haven’t come to terms with either the pain of the past or its lessons. Other people distance from relationships in the present by focusing too much of their attention and energy on their past.
“If Only She Didn’t…”
Another major mistake is to focus too completely on one person’s problems or impairments. This happens when one person is consumed with an addiction to a chemical substance or to work or gambling or online chat rooms, or any other addictive preoccupation. “Everything will be okay for us when he stops drinking (or overworking or… fill in the blank)” is a common myth verbalized by vast numbers of people who believe that the relationship can be saved by a change in one partner.
This also happens when one person is struggling with emotional problems like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or attention-deficit disorder. The partner, friend, or therapist lowers the other partner’s expectations for intimacy by saying things like, “She can’t help it… she’s depressed.”
Currently, perhaps the most common reason for intimacy to suffer or vanish entirely is an exclusive focus on someone’s history of past trauma and the resulting issues. Talk shows, professional helpers, friends, and family members perpetuate the myth that the trauma must be resolved before the relationship problems can be addressed.
After many years of working with adults who have experienced past traumas, I’ve learned that it is never really possible to wrap up the trauma work and then move on to dealing with relationships. It is more productive to determine how everything is related and then to address all aspects of the trauma’s legacy, including its effect on creating healthy intimacy.
Learning to Increase Your Awareness
In this chapter, you will be working on Step One: Raising your awareness. Awareness is the first tool you need to open your heart and tame the runaway distancer part of yourself. Think of awareness as a very active process of change rather than just a reminder to pay attention. Simply becoming aware—fully conscious—can radically change your capacity to give and receive love. Awareness, at the deepest level, means a willingness to change your whole life.
This may sound abstract or even unbelievable unless you have grown up in a culture where the practice of awareness is at the root of a spiritual practice, or you have incorporated awareness practice as a daily part of your life. As you will learn by doing Step One, cultivating awareness is anything but abstract. It is a very real, one-day-at-a-time process of learning to focus in new and deeper ways.
Learning to cultivate and raise your awareness is a lifelong process. Awareness is a multipurpose tool to help you with the most important learning experience of your life: how to leave loneliness behind and discover lasting love.
Active Awareness: Turning Arrows into Flowers
Buddhist teacher and writer Pema Chödrön tells this story about the power of awareness in Comfortable with Uncertainty (2002, p. 40): “On the night the Buddha was to attain enlightenment, he sat under a tree. While he was sitting there, the forces of Mara (the Buddhist equivalent of evil or obstacles) shot arrows at him to distract him from becoming enlightened, but with awareness he
When the Past Threatens Love
Too much or too little focus on the past can also lead to intimacy failures. Sometimes, the past can obstruct necessary repairs to current intimacy when there is denial of its impact. On the other hand, experiences from the past can remain so central to someone’s emotional life that the current relationship (or potential partner) becomes eclipsed.
Some people distance from intimacy because they haven’t been willing to look at their past relationships. They haven’t come to terms with either the pain of the past or its lessons. Other people distance from relationships in the present by focusing too much of their attention and energy on their past.
“If Only She Didn’t…”
Another major mistake is to focus too completely on one person’s problems or impairments. This happens when one person is consumed with an addiction to a chemical substance or to work or gambling or online chat rooms, or any other addictive preoccupation. “Everything will be okay for us when he stops drinking (or overworking or… fill in the blank)” is a common myth verbalized by vast numbers of people who believe that the relationship can be saved by a change in one partner.
This also happens when one person is struggling with emotional problems like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or attention-deficit disorder. The partner, friend, or therapist lowers the other partner’s expectations for intimacy by saying things like, “She can’t help it… she’s depressed.”
Currently, perhaps the most common reason for intimacy to suffer or vanish entirely is an exclusive focus on someone’s history of past trauma and the resulting issues. Talk shows, professional helpers, friends, and family members perpetuate the myth that the trauma must be resolved before the relationship problems can be addressed.
After many years of working with adults who have experienced past traumas, I’ve learned that it is never really possible to wrap up the trauma work and then move on to dealing with relationships. It is more productive to determine how everything is related and then to address all aspects of the trauma’s legacy, including its effect on creating healthy intimacy.
Learning to Increase Your Awareness
In this chapter, you will be working on Step One: Raising your awareness. Awareness is the first tool you need to open your heart and tame the runaway distancer part of yourself. Think of awareness as a very active process of change rather than just a reminder to pay attention. Simply becoming aware—fully conscious—can radically change your capacity to give and receive love. Awareness, at the deepest level, means a willingness to change your whole life.
This may sound abstract or even unbelievable unless you have grown up in a culture where the practice of awareness is at the root of a spiritual practice, or you have incorporated awareness practice as a daily part of your life. As you will learn by doing Step One, cultivating awareness is anything but abstract. It is a very real, one-day-at-a-time process of learning to focus in new and deeper ways.
Learning to cultivate and raise your awareness is a lifelong process. Awareness is a multipurpose tool to help you with the most important learning experience of your life: how to leave loneliness behind and discover lasting love.
Active Awareness: Turning Arrows into Flowers
Buddhist teacher and writer Pema Chödrön tells this story about the power of awareness in Comfortable with Uncertainty (2002, p. 40): “On the night the Buddha was to attain enlightenment, he sat under a tree. While he was sitting there, the forces of Mara (the Buddhist equivalent of evil or obstacles) shot arrows at him to distract him from becoming enlightened, but with awareness he
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