Free Downton Tabby by Chris Kelly

1912
    I F YOU’VE EVER LIVED WITH a cat in heat, you know that ignoring it is like pretending you don’t live near the airport. In spring 1912, it was obvious to any animal with ears that Minxy, the firstborn of the Clowder litter, was ready for breeding.
    This was simple and difficult, because for cats and Englishmen, sex was an earthy and unpleasant obligation, like death, or when Australians come to visit and stay. For moneyed English cats, mating was even more onerous and unsavory, because it involved real estate. So, to protect the territory, inheritance was governed by three ancient precepts: agnatic primogeniture , Salic law , and entail . As any child can tell you, agnatic primogeniture means kinship is defined patrilineally, Salic law means only males can inherit, and entail means cats have tails.
    Unfortunately, cats, like royalty, are also snobs, so when Catrick heard the crème de la crème purring about the Mewsitania , the largest and most luxurious vessel inthe world, he booked himself for its maiden transatlantic crossing, first class. Because what cat doesn’t love crème?
    Catrick had also heard that the ship was practically unsinkable, which appealed to him, as a cat, but that claim turned out to be an exaggeration. *
    Minxy’s caterwauling was starting to frighten the tenant farmers, so the Clowders resolved to move on to Plan B. Cousin Purrcey.
    The Lord and Lady Grimalkin
    request the pleasure of the company of
    Mr. Purrcey Clowder
    on Saturday, the eleventh of May at twelve o’clock
    P.M.R.S.V.P.
    P. S. You’ll find Minxy in the yard.
    Unfortunately for the lovers, the twentieth century held horrors no cat could foresee. In this case, it was the vacuum cleaner, first patented in 1901 by Hubert Cecil Booth. Someone turned one on, just when Minxy and Purrcey were seriously getting to know each other, and Purrcey fled, headfirst into a bust of Lord Kitchener.
    Cats may not be loyal like dogs. They can’t mimic speech like parrots or indicate that their owners are bad credit risks, like shoulder-borne lizards. But cats are resourceful. Minxy and Korat buried him in the yard.

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    * Years later, the tragedy would be exploited as a crude plot device in a popular British television show about a family and their servants. It was called, of course, Upstairs, Downstairs . And if it wasn’t already campy enough that the writers used the disaster to drown one character, Lady Majorie, it also somehow gave another character amnesia, which was really unforgivable.

If this was love, love had been overrated.
    —H ENRY J AMES

How to Keep a Secret at Downton Tabby
    T HERE IS NOTHING MORE SACRED than trust. When you learn a secret, especially one that will break Papa’s heart, the first thing to do is find someone to tell.

UNINVITED BUT NECESSARY WORDS FROM
The Dowager

    I’m not blushing. I have demodectic mange.
    Sometimes I feel as if I were chewing the spine off an H.G. Wells novel.
    I have nothing against stage people. My great-aunt was the strings of a cello!
    Why are male calicos generally sterile? Shame, I suppose.
    People who say I’m cold and unemotional have never seen me unravel a roll of toilet paper.
    I’m not “judging” you. That’s far too active a word for it.

1913
    S ERBIA , B ULGARIA, AND G REECE FELL upon Turkey, already weakened by her war with Italy, and swept her of all her European possessions save the territory between Adrianople and Constantinople, while at Downton Tabby, an inventory of the board games revealed the rope from Clue had been chewed on, a crime for which Boots, being the newest cat, was of course framed.
    Lord Grimalkin inquired after Cousin Purrcey, and was told he had gone to live on a farm.
    Time being a problem that never goes away, the Clowder girls continued to grow in grace and comeliness, and to go into heat. The prettier sister, Lady Serval, was pursued by a local tom who didn’t have two cents to his name, which was Tom. He also lacked a pedigree,