Free Getting Waisted by Monica Parker Page B

don’t you lose weight; you have such a pretty face.”
    Blecch! I was in a fury. “I like being fat. I choose it as a fast-track asshole discovery test!” I slammed down the phone. As I stormed out of the kitchen with my incinerated popcorn, I caught my reflection in the toaster and thought, I am a liar. I don’t like my body either .

8
    Bowing to
the Master
    Diet #9 The Master Cleanse
    Cost $6.00
    Weight lost 16½ pounds
    Weight gained 0 pounds, but crushing
insecurity on the rise
    How much more rejection, humiliation, and degradation could I take? I suspected I’d better buckle up, as living with a pair of beauties was not easy on my ego and I often felt like the third wheel, barely hanging on to my seat in a race car being driven full throttle and pretending to love the ride. My job title was clearly “best friend” with nearly identical character traits as described in any dog book under “Labrador retriever.”
    Labradors have a well-known reputation for appetite . They are persistent and persuasive in requesting food. For this reason, the Labrador owner must carefully control his/her dog’s food intake to avoid obesity. The steady and loyal temperament of Labradors and their ability to learn make them an ideal breed for search and rescue, detection, and therapy work.
    Detection, yup, I could always find food and therapy. No, not for me . . . for my friends. Yet, it always surprised me how much they wanted my counsel on so many things and it made me feel appreciated.
    Every night I would pray to the Gods of Gravy to leave me alone, and every morning I would begin my day praying for the willpower to not eat. I sat with my hands in prayer pose and summoned Buddha. This was a deity I could relate to, and not just philosophically; he was fat! Every morning at the crack of dawn, I would vow to eat clean—a simple piece of toast, a barely there smear of cream cheese, a cup of black coffee, and a medium-size chunk of cantaloupe. But by eleven, the need to feed would be overwhelming and I’d think, Maybe just a small piece of cheese and a couple of Wheat Thins . . . or four. When that didn’t do the trick, I’d bargain with myself again, Okay, how about one stick of gum? No, that would just make me salivate, which would make me want more, but more of what? It didn’t really matter because, sooner rather than later, I would cave in to whatever heart-attack snack was on hand, and then would come the cycle of remorse and regret. It wouldn’t last, however, because it was in my nature to find the positive in most situations. I was drilling deep to find the upside in being fat. Much like Ivory soap, we fat people float, we retain heat—which makes us great to have around if you become stranded outdoors in wintertime and are in danger of hypothermia—and we are built for comfort, not for speed, which is great when a spare pillow is not available. We are also easy to pick out in a crowd, although not so much in Las Vegas or Germany’s fabled Baden-Baden Spa, often filled to the brim with large swim-suited women taking the thermal waters. It’s easy to poke fun at anyone who stands out but I knew that for me it wasn’t the only way I wanted to stand out. I wanted to be known for my talent, my humor, and hopefully a few good deeds along the road rather than just for my dress size.
    There were so many diets to choose from, all making the same promises, but then one day, while standing in the supermarket checkout line, my arms full of potato chips and other snacks, my eye caught a story about several starlets who collectively lost a thousand pounds after a week or so on the Master Cleanse. I was immediately attracted to it as I felt a sense of confidence in a diet with the nerve to label itself as the Master. This was a program that was perfect for me—no food whatsoever. I have always been so much better at dealing with stringent rules without choices; that I knew how to do. What I couldn’t do was the whole small