Free Tickled to Death by Joan Hess Page A

Minute!” Caron whispered. “Otherwise, I may throw myself off the roof and splatter the parking lot with blood and guts and shards of splintered bone.”
    “Why would you do something potentially nauseating like that—and why are you whispering?”
    “So She won’t overhear me.”
    The line went dead, although I doubted Caron was likely to do the same anytime soon. I managed a wan smile for Luanne and Dick, who were watching me with understandable perplexity. “Caron’s feeling a little low this morning,” I said. “I suppose I’ll stop by Dunling Lodge on my way back to town.”
    “And by the marina?” Luanne said brightly.
    Ignoring her, I thanked Dick for his hospitality and drove to Dunling Lodge. The parking lot was unsullied. I parked near the Jaguar, patted my gallant little car on its slightly dented hood, and was about to step onto the porch when Caron and Inez darted from around the corner of the house, panting like escapees from a chain gang.
    “What’s going on?” I asked, startled.
    Caron yanked me behind a trellis. “These people are deranged. Do you know what time we were forced to have breakfast? Do you?”
    “At dawn,” Inez volunteered.
    “It’s not like we were going to get any more sleep,” continued Caron, who does not care to be interrupted in the midst of sinister recitations. “As soon as the sun came up, hordes of jabbery birds descended on the feeders like little Mongols. I put my pillow over my head, but then Mrs. Dunling came in and started jabbering, too. When they doan autopsy on her, they’re going to discover she really does have a bird brain.”
    Inez leaned closer and said, “When I saw her in the hall this morning, she was flapping her arms. She said she was exercising, but I’m not so sure. When the moon is full, she probably sits in a tree and hoots with the owls.”
    Caron nudged her aside. “So we got up and went to the patio for breakfast, where she about had a coronary because she spotted a great spangled fritillary hovering in the vetch.”
    I sensed from her dramatic pause that a response was expected of me. “No kidding?” I said.
    “She carried on like she’d seen the Secretary of the Treasury, but all I saw was a stupid butterfly. At least Mr. Dunling already had eaten and was down at the edge of the lake. He tests the water every morning for pesticides. If you ask me, he should be testing their tap water. I was expecting a bowl of worm flakes, but we had yummy bran turds instead. And tomato juice. You know how much I Absolutely Loathe tomato juice.”
    It was well past my designated time of departure. “I realize you’re being brutalized, girls, but I need to go. Consider this as an opportunity to improve your survival skills. Luanne will bring you home tomorrow afternoon.”
    Caron sensed her chances for a timely rescue were dwindling and began to sniffle. “There was a whippoorwill under our bedroom window, Mother. Every five minutes from midnight untilfour o’clock, it made this ear-shattering sound. I seriously considered asking Mr. Dunling to loan me his shotgun so I could facilitate it straight to its celestial nest.”
    Inez shook her head. “Actually, it was a chuck-will’s-widow. It makes this funny little chuckle at the beginning of its song.” She pursed her mouth to demonstrate.
    “Spare us an audition for the Audubon Society,” Caron growled at her, then returned to the task at hand—eliciting pity. “Agatha Anne’s in the office on the telephone, but she said when she’s done, we’re going on a hike to look for birds. I looked at pictures of birds last night until I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out of their sockets. Why would I want to see live ones? Do you know what birds are? They’re reptiles with feathers! I’m supposed to go on a hike to look for flying lizards?”
    “And there are something like eight thousand species of birds,” Inez said. “Agatha Anne acts like we’re supposed to be able to list