Free Sex and Your Job Search 2013: A Guide to Scoring Your Dream Job by Dominic Bokich

list.
• “Certified Medical Ass” at Valley Medical Clinic. A wise guy, eh?
• “Manager Tranny.” I don’t want to know.
• “Hostest.” With the mostest I’m sure.
• “Admin Ass-itant.” I picture Mr. Furley from Three’s Company yelling, “If you can’t spell your job title, you can’t get hired!”
Degree
• “Diapolma.” Is that some sort of embolism? Are you having a heart attack?
• “Dimploma.” Like, he has such cute dimplomas?
City*
• “Coorna” instead of “Corona.” Don’t drink and apply for a job.
• “SBD.” Don’t abbreviate, I’m not the postmaster general.
*If you cannot spell the town or county where you live, I probably do not want to hire you. There are millions of other people who can spell their cities correctly. That’s like misspelling your last name —which I’ve seen several times.
Nature of Duties
• “Ass-ited customers.” Like lap dancing? Huh.
• “Costomer service.” Do you work in a Halloween store?
• “Codin.” You take Codeine at work?
• “PMS for Hotel.” I’m going to leave you alone for a bit.
Reason For Leaving
• “Elimin dated.” What? Were you eliminated from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette ?
• “Prom-toed.” You step on people’s feet at work?
• “Action caused by dictator ex-spouse.” Sorry to hear that, but save the drama fo’ yo’ mama.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime other than a traffic infraction?
• “Patty theft.” Do you steal hamburgers?
• “Mister Meanor.” Oh the mister meanor is such a meanie.
Email Addresses
They say a lot about you. Create a new one solely for the job search and keep it professional. Like:
• Firstname.Lastname@...
• GreatHire2013@...
Hiring managers and HR look at these closely. Stay away from these horror stories:
• Hottynurse@...
• SmoothLover89@...
• Pimp1n@...
• Striptzzz91@...
• Buttholio@...
If you want to be creative, do something like this. A woman was applying for a phlebotomist position, and her email address was something like Love4Blood2012@. It was funny and worked because she draws blood for a living.
4. Use normal capitalization. Writing in all caps suggests an “I’m amazing” flamboyance and all lowercase implies a casual indifference.
Many hiring managers I work with have asked me to send “clean” applications. Anyone deviating from the norm is rejected. Recently I asked an applicant why she wrote the whole application in lowercase. She said: “I don’t know. I was doing it kinda fast I guess.” I asked her if she wanted advice. She said yes, and I talked with her a bit about what we look for. Then I rejected her “kinda fast.”
5. Apply as soon as you see the job you want. I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll say it again. In this job market, bigger companies can receive thirty to a hundred applications in less than twenty-four hours. If you delay, you may miss the boat.
6. Watch your language. In the literal sense, obviously don’t curse. But when they ask you what other languages you speak on the online application, I’d recommend not putting “English.” Also do not put “Ebonics.” True story.
A hiring manager’s concern is that you can communicate at work with your co-workers in English, or the required language(s) if you work as a translator. That is all you will be judged on.
    COVER LETTERS
    If a resume is a conversation starter, then a cover letter is that first joke or funny comment that gets both people to relax. When this happens, certain brain chemicals (neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin) are released and attraction begins. You want people to get excited about you in the job search, so writing a cover letter is a must.
    There are literally thousands of examples of cover letters on the Internet. I’d recommend finding one you like and that best fits your situation. Then change the tone to match your voice and work history.

    “Keep it real homie.”
    When I saw this I