the floor beside his chair. I take his hand in mine and hold it gently, savouring the touch of his skin. He lets me caress it. I want to kiss it but I restrain myself.
‘I thought I knew about love,’ he says huskily. ‘But I knew nothing. I thought love was about agreements and boundaries and submission to my will. But with you, love has been chaotic, uncontrollable and I’ve had to relinquish power as much as exert it. You know how that’s tormented me.’
He gazes down at me, his brown eyes softer now as he begs for understanding. I nod. I know that our journey together has taken Dominic to places he hasn’t expected. He’s tried to reject aspects of himself only to find them emerging in other ways. He stopped using certain instruments on me when we made love, thinking it would prevent his need for control and dominance, but those facets couldn’t be suppressed, even when he tried to beat them out of himself with self-flagellation.
‘I love you, everything about you,’ I say gently, longing for my touch to heal the breach between us and give him back the confidence to be himself. ‘You don’t have to change.’
His head droops a little. I’m desperate to kiss his mouth, wrap my arms about him, feel his hot skin against mine. I lift his hand to my lips and press them on it.
‘Beth.’ His voice sounds cracked. I look up. He’s gazing down at me. ‘I don’t know . . . I’m not ready yet.’
‘Don’t you want this?’ I ask softly, pressing another kiss on his hand.
He groans. ‘Of course I do. You know the power you have over me. But . . .’ He closes his eyes for a second and when he opens them, he seems determined. ‘You and I are not just about sex, you know that. This is important, this is serious, this is about our hearts. I want to fuck you very, very badly. But when we do, it has to be because it’s the real thing. Until ten minutes ago I had resolved to shut you out of my life. I can’t just make love now as though all that is reversed. I have to think about it and be sure. I can’t risk the pain of getting it wrong again.’
I want to leap up and shout joyously, ‘But we are together, there’s nothing to keep us apart!’ but I don’t. I know that what seems simple to me is not so straightforward for Dominic. I haven’t had to fight the inner battles that he has faced. So I say softly, ‘And what if the people who fuck aren’t us?’
He looks at me, frowning. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean . . . it doesn’t have to be Beth and Dominic.’ I stand up. ‘Wait for me.’
I go into the bathroom and start to take off my coat, then my clothes. I’m wearing a plain black dress that buttons down the front to the waist. I slip it over my head, catching a glimpse of my face in the mirror. My eyes are bright and intense and my cheeks are flushed. I undo my bra and take it off, then slip off my tights and knickers. I’m naked in the bathroom of Dominic’s hotel room. This is kind of strange but I’m thinking on my feet here. I pick up my dress and put it back on. I’m barefoot, without underwear, wearing just my dress.
Opening the bathroom door, I see that Dominic is still sitting in the chair, waiting for me to emerge.
‘Stay there,’ I say. ‘Close your eyes.’
He closes his eyes obediently and I go quickly to the door of the room and let myself out into the corridor. Excitement is bubbling up inside me. I have no idea if this will work, perhaps it’s too crazy, but it’s worth a try. It will all depend on whether Dominic is prepared to go with it or not.
I knock on the door.
A moment later, he answers, opening it just a little. ‘Yes?’
Excellent. He hasn’t said, ‘Beth’ or ‘What are you doing?’ He’s open to this whether he knows it or not.
‘Your maid service is here, sir,’ I say in a low voice.
‘My maid service?’
‘Didn’t you order a maid service?’
‘I’m not sure I did, but as you’re here, you’d better come in.’ He