Free Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne Page B

of stories about people meeting the love of their lives online—so it can’t be all bad. Besides, what’s worse, arranging dates on the computer, or getting picked up in bars? The only thing I’d say to your daughter is, “Look, a guy can tell you anything he wants to online, so don’t believe everything you read . Plus, most guys want a bonk, not a wife.” Bearing that in mind, I hope she finds the right bloke.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    My son has taking up smoking to impress a new girlfriend. How can I get him to stop?
    Lauren, Staffordshire
    I made the same mistake myself. I took some chick from Digbeth to the pictures when I was 14, and brought along five cigarettes and a penny book of matches to impress her. You could smoke yourself blue in the face at the cinema in those days. So there I was, sitting in this darkened room, puffing away, trying to be Jack the lad, and suddenly I broke out in a cold sweat. What the fuck’s wrong with me ? I thought. Then I burped and tasted puke. I had to run to the can and lock myself in a stall while I coughed my guts up. I was so sick, man. Eventually I dragged myself out of the exit and went straight home, throwing up the whole way. To this day, I don’t know what happened to the girl. I wouldn’t have touched another cigarette for as long as I lived if it hadn’t been the “normal” thing to do back then. So here’s my suggestion: put your son off cigarettes by making him ill. Throw some ash on his cornflakes. Maybe that’ll work.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    Like you, I’m covered in tattoos, but now my beautiful 17-year-old daughter wants to get one done. I’m trying to talk her out of it, because I hate the way tattoos look on young girls, but I feel like a hypocrite. Please help.
    Tony, Los Angeles
    The trouble with tattoos is, they’re addictive. I’ve known girls who start out with a little flower on their ankle, and three months later, they’ve got an entire battle scene across their arse. When my own daughter got tattoos, I said to her, “Look, fashions come and fashions go, and one day you might end up resenting what you did to your body when you were young.” It’s one think being young and beautiful with a tattoo, and another thing when you’re a grandma with a floppy old dagger on your arm. I mean, there are times when even I wake up and look at the smiley face I drew on my knee and think, “What did I do that for?” They hurt like crazy, too, when you first get ’em done. To me, though, the best thing to point out to your daughter is that tattoos just aren’t that special anymore: everyone has ’em. If she wants to be really ahead of the pack, she’d be better off investing her money in one of those laser removal companies. They’re gonna be making a fortune in a few years time, when tattoos ain’t the “in” thing any more.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy,
    My son has failed (or near enough) all his high school exams. The only career option for him now is manual labour, but he doesn’t seem to care. How can I motivate him to do better?
    Brian, Cheshire
    I was the same when I was a kid—and it wasn’t until 20 years later that I found out it was all related to my dyslexia and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Your son should get checked out for both those things, ’cos there’s a lot of help available now. The good news is that it’s never too late to get an education these days, thanks to computers and the internet. When I was at school, 300 years ago, it was different: when you were out on yer ear, you were out on yer ear. It was the factory, or signing up as cannon fodder in the military. And they wouldn’t even let me in the Army. “We want subjects, not objects ,” they told me. Fortunately, I found something I loved with heavy metal. That’s the secret, really: finding something you actually enjoy doing, which can also pay the bills. At the end of the day, that matters more than passing any test.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    My 16-year-old son says