Free Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne

“Baby”—my son Jack’s teddy bear—after we left it in a hotel room. That fucking teddy bear pretty much ended up with its own security detail, we were so scared of losing it. We’ve still got it today, in fact. Meanwhile, my daughter Kelly didn’t just have one pacifier, she had two: one for each finger. And if it’s any reassurance, breaking the habit wasn’t difficult at all: one day, she just got bored of it, like kids do. Then it was straight on to the next big, exciting thing: her thumb.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    I was looking through my 3-year-old son’s locker at nursey school the other day and discovered that his best male friend—same age—sent him a Valentine’s Day card. What’s more: the boy in question has two gay dads. I know we’re supposed to be cool about this kind of thing nowadays, but I’m freaking out. Advice?
    Eric, Derby
    It sounds to me like your problem isn’t with the Valentine’s Day card—the kid’s three, so he ain’t got a clue what it means, anyway—but with the two gay dads. I mean, would you be as freaked out if it were a boy with straight parents who’d sent it? Probably not. You’d probably think it was cute. So you need to sit yourself down, remind yourself the world has changed a lot in the past few fears, and get over it, to be honest with you.

II: ADVANCED PARENTING

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    I found porn on my son’s computer. What should I do?
    Liz, Los Angeles
    I once found girlie magazines in my son’s room, but what was I going to say to him? I’m Ozzy fucking Osbourne . Luckily, you don’t have that problem—although the answer to your question really depends on your son’s age. If he’s 12, then I don’t think he should have unlimited access to a computer with an Internet connection. But if he’s 16 or older then I think it’s completely normal for him to be interested in that kind of thing—as long as it ain’t the really crazy freaky stuff. The fact is, even most grown men like the occasional blue movie. I watch ’em on the road from time to time, ’cos it’s better than picking up some groupie and having my balls turn green (not to mention the fact that I’m a happily married man). It can’t hurt to talk to your kid about all this, though, if you can pluck up the courage. Better yet, have his father or a male friend strike up a conversation about it. Being open is usually the best way.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy,
    My daughter has an enormous nose. I’m not going to lie: it’s huge (although she has always looked beautiful to me). She says it’s ruining her social life, and now she wants a nose job for her 14 th birthday, which I’m told is normal these days. Advice?
    Zan, Florida
    There are a lot of people who’ll tell you that bullying makes you stronger and that you’ve gotta learn to take it if you want to get on in the world. The trouble is, though, when you’re being called “big nose” five hundred times a day at school because you’ve got Mount Everest stuck to your face, that ain’t very fucking helpful. Like everything, the people who are so sure you’ve got to put up with it don’t have to handle the problem themselves. And kids can be incredibly cruel, y’know? Not only that, but things you get teased for a school can mess you up for the rest of your life. To this day, I’m still very insecure about my dyslexia, because I was brought up being told that I was stupid. So look: people get birth-marks and other harmless stuff removed all the time because of the way they look. It’s no different with a giant conk. Buy her the nose job.

    Dear Dr. Ozzy:
    My 10-year-old daughter borrowed my iPad without asking and found an explicit photograph of me and my girlfriend on it (I’m recently divorced from her mum). Now she won’t speak to me—and I’m terrified of what my ex-wife is going to do. Help!
    Jerry, Milton Keynes
    Adopt the brace position and prepare for bollocking of a lifetime—and to be honest with you, I ain’t exactly