Free Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage And/or Sex by Dave Barry

know the Major Warning Signs, which are:
    1. Your spouse acts strange.
    2. Your spouse, trying to trick you, acts normal.
    If you notice either of these Warning Signs, you should wait until your spouse is in a vulnerable position, such as reclining in a dental chair, and then you should point-blank ask the following gently probing question (if your spouse is male): “Well? Who is she?”
    Now listen closely to the answer. If it’s something specific like: “You mean the person I’m having an affair with? She is Dorina Mae Swiggins,” that means your suspicions are probably justified. But if it’s something evasive like: “What are you talking about?” or “Who is Who?”, then you quite frankly have to ask yourself how come your spouse is refusing to answer a simple direct question. Either way, this would be a good time to read the next chapter.

Chapter 11. How To Put New Life Into Your Marriage Or Else Get A Divorce

    Time takes its toll on every marriage. The sense of romance and adventure that you feel as you take your wedding vows on that bright Saturday afternoon in June inevitably gives way to familiarity and even boredom, often as early as 8:30 that evening. Yet some couples seem to go on happily forever, a good example being Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos, former owners of the Philippines. Long ago, they discovered a secret that has worked its magic for many successful couples: thoughtfulness. Ferdinand and Imelda were always showing each other, in little ways, that they cared. For example, when Imelda would get depressed because of the hassle and strain of everyday life, plus the fact that she was bloating up like an inflatable life raft, Ferdinand would say to her: “Buttercup, you look depressed. Why not take the national treasury and purchase every luxury consumer object in France?” This thoughtful gesture never failed to perk her up.
    Of course you may not be in a position to demonstrate quite that level of care, but there are things you can do to show your commitment to each other—little, thoughtful, romantic gestures that say you still think the other person is “somebody special.” For example, you can:
    1. Try to remember (you guys, especially) to flush the toilet.
    2. Remember your spouse’s birthday. “Hey!” you can say. “Wasn’t your birthday last month?”
    3. Go dancing, or even ...
    4. Go dancing with your spouse.
    5. On your anniversary, give your spouse an appropriate traditional gift for whatever year it is, as shown on the accompanying chart:
    Number Of Anniversary Traditional Gift
    1st Ore
    5th McNuggets
    10th Veg-o-Matic
    15th Oil change
    20th “Slim” whitman album
    30th TV tray or assault rifle
    40th Frankincense
    50th Ointment
    60th Suppository
    70th Indonesian Fighting Snake
    6. Consider renewing your wedding vows. The best place to do this is Las Vegas, where “wedding chapels” are a major industry, along with divorce, gambling, and scorpion paperweights. My wife and I renewed our vows in Vegas a little while back, on a Friday the 13th, in the very same chapel
    (everything I am telling you here is the truth) where Joan Collins got married her third or fourth time. The whole thing took less than four minutes and cost only $50, plus a tip for the minister, who was named (I swear) Dr. Eva C. Tubby.
    7. Go on a Get-away Vacation Fling. just the two of you. One day, when the pressure gets to be too much, you should just say to your spouse, out of the blue: “Let’s go!” Then you should impulsively throw a few items into
    a suitcase, jump into a cab, race to the airport, and hop on the next plane to Hawaii, or the Caribbean, or Europe, or wherever you want to go. Why not? You’ll be glad you did it. Once you’re up in the air, settled back in your seats, sipping champagne (Why not?), the two of you can hold hands, close your eyes, and just let your minds drift away to ... THE
    CHILDREN!! MY GOD, YOU FORGOT THE CHILDREN!!! TURN THE PLANE