Free Nobody Is Ever Missing by Catherine Lacey Page A

Wellington—you could stay here and do catering gigs, maybe meet a bloke or two—that’ll get your mind off hubby, won’t it?
    The plan has been to go to Werner’s. That’s the plan.
    Then what?
    I don’t know. I’ll just be there.
    For Christmas?
    I shrugged. It was hard for me to imagine Christmas happening in the summer after almost three decades of Christmas in the cold. Maybe Christmas didn’t exist this year.
    You should come up to Napier and see me and the fam. Mum has a humongous place up there and it’s always packed with weirdos and orphans for the holidays. You’ll fit right in, love, a proper holiday with a proper dysfunctional family.
    I hugged Jaye, falling into her hulking body. She patted my head.
    Oh, honey, you are such a mess.
    I’m fine , I said. I’ll be fine.
    Sure you will.
    Jaye held my hand and I heard the inaudible noise and it turned into a color and that shade soaked into everything and my whole life was much nicer for those few minutes, then the sidewalk ended and we reached a huge hill with a hole cut through the center that cars were driving through.
    You know I hate dirt, but I wanted to show you this trail so you know we have a little bit of nature here in Wellington , she said, pointing to a trailhead. You go ahead and have a wee tramp if you like—I’ll take the bus to meet you up top.
    When she told me she thought I’d want a little hike, I realized that a few minutes alone was exactly what I needed, something to make it possible for me to deal with the potency of the inaudible noise and of course Jaye would know that because all my real feelings and wants traveled in the inaudible noise, this current between us, so she could know things about me before I even knew things about me—this was what the inaudible noise could do. The trail was dark and had a thick, wooden smell in it. The trees were mythically large and sometimes looked more like art than life. Halfway up the hill I saw a man with a sack-belly hanging over red basketball shorts. He was leaning against a boulder, his face buried in the crook of his elbow as he was breathing heavily, like something terrible was happening inside his body.
    Are you okay?
    He gasped and stood up straight.
    I’m fine , he said, but he didn’t sound fine.
    I heard something moving in the leaves.
    I can get you help— Do you have a phone? I can go call someone for you. I have a friend at the top and—
    I’m fine , he said, but sweat was rushing off his face. You can just leave me alone. I’m fine.
    It was only then I noticed a younger man crouched on the ground beside the boulder. There was dirt on his face and he was sweating, too. His mouth made some kind of smile and his eyes spun as if he was a toy designed to look that way. I kept hiking up.
    My love-face-darlin’-sweet-pea! Jaye arched her back around the bench at the bus stop. So did you have a lovely time with the nature? Did you eat bugs and see the birds fucking the bees and all that fabulous shit?
    I decided not to tell Jaye about the men. We stared down at the white houses and the blue ocean licking the rocky coast.
    After Jaye walked me to the ferry station she insisted, again, that I come up to Napier because she had gotten Christmas and New Year’s off this time—
    You have to suck a lot of dick for that, I can tell you, but there’s no shame in it , she said. I get what I want. They get what they want. Who can tell who is getting used?
    She laughed that thick, syrupy laugh that seemed to rise up from her toes, like every cell of her body was making a tiny, deep laugh and they were all adding up.
    So, I’ll see you for Christmas? New Year’s?
    I’ll try.
    You won’t try; you’ll be there , she said, and I was mostly certain that she was wrong.
    *   *   *
    Over the loudspeaker the ferry captain said, Good afternoon, all! Welcome to Tuesday afternoon! Tuesday! All day it’ll be Tuesday, all afternoon, make no mistake! I felt like Tuesday afternoon was