coffee,” I said, turning back to the window.
She nodded and retreated into the kitchen. I sighed and looked out into the vast white world again. I had to talk to her. I needed to stay away from her. And to do that, I had to get her to want to stay away from me.
A mug of coffee appeared before me. I thanked Rabbit and took a sip of the hot liquid, casually stepping away from her. “Storm is over.” I pointed out the window. “I’ll start plowing in a while.”
“ Can I help somehow?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t like Bear out when I am driving the plow so he can stay inside with you.”
“ Joshua?”
“ Hmm?”
“ What did I do last night? Why did you leave?” she asked nervously.
I sighed. I sat down on the chair and indicated she should sit on the sofa. I couldn’t sit beside her. Already, I could feel myself wanting to reach out and touch her. Make her smile. If I was close, I wasn’t sure I could resist.
“ You didn’t do anything, Rabbit,” I assured her. “I did.”
“ I don’t understand.”
“ I crossed the line last night. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“ Talking to me? Telling me about your attack?”
I shook my head sadly. “No, I don’t regret telling you that. Kissing you.”
“ You regret kissing me?”
I couldn’t look her in the eye and lie, so I stared at the floor. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
She looked at me for a minute, puzzled. “I wanted you to kiss me, Joshua. We kissed each other.”
My heart clenched a little, hearing her say that. But I had to continue.
“ Rabbit, you don’t know what you want. You’re confused and lost. You have no idea who you are.” I drew in a deep breath. “I have no idea who you are.”
Her voice was quiet. “What are you saying?”
“ You could be married, Rabbit. There could be someone out there looking for you. You have a whole life you don’t know anything about. Right now, you’re struggling and I took advantage of that.”
Her eyes narrowed. “And I might not have anyone in my life.” She pulled the sleeve of her shirt up exposing the bruises staining her skin, “Or maybe the person in it did this.”
I averted my eyes. “That’s the problem, Rabbit. We don’t know. I have no right to add to the problem.”
“ The problem ? I’m a problem again?”
I stood up, walking over to the window. “No, Rabbit, you’re not a problem. My … attraction … to you is, and acting on it only complicates an already confusing situation.” I turned around and looked at her. “You need to rest and recover. I need to work. I think it’s best if we just try and stay away from each other as much as possible.”
“ What if that isn’t what I want?”
“ What do you think you want, Rabbit?”
“ To be close to you. To get to know you.”
“ To what end?”
“ I … I’m attracted to you as well, Joshua. You make me feel safe. I thought about this all night. I don’t feel like there is anyone. I don’t have a wedding ring; I don’t have any longings for someone like I am missing them. If I had someone, wouldn’t I feel something? Some sense of someone?”
I wanted to tell her she was right. I wanted to tell her she was safe. But I couldn’t.
“ You don’t know what you’re feeling. And I make you feel safe because, right now I’m the only person you have to depend on. That’s all.”
“ Don’t tell me what I’m feeling,” she snapped at me.
“ I’m trying to stop a huge mistake from happening, Rabbit. One that neither of us could take back,” I snapped back.
“ And, you’re so sure it’d be a mistake?”
“ Yes.”
“ Why?”
I ran my hand through my hair in vexation. She wasn’t going to let this go. I straightened my shoulders and stared at her steadily.
“ Because you want a relationship.”
“ And you don’t?”
“ No.”
“ What do you want?”
I kept my voice flat. “I just want to fuck someone.”
She stepped back in shock.
“ But last night you