Free Dogs Don't Tell Jokes by Louis Sachar

getting started, since he’d gone two days without making up jokes. No problem. It would take some time to get back in the flow.
    Joe and Zack had asked him to play football again after school, but he turned them down.
    “You won’t have to play center the whole time,” Joe had promised.
    “I can’t,” Gary had said. “I got a stupid book report due Friday, and I haven’t even read the stupid book yet.”
    “So, today’s only Wednesday,” said Zack.
    “Sorry,” said Gary. “But thanks for asking.”
    “Whatever,” said Joe.
    He didn’t tell them about having to make up jokes for the talent show. He knew Joe would tell him he was taking it too seriously.
    He continued to try to make up jokes. “I went to the doctor today. I said, ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose doesn’t smell.’
    “He told me to take a shower. He said, ‘Your nose may not smell, but the rest of you sure stinks!’ ”
    He shook his head. “Well, that joke stinks anyway.
    “ ‘How’d you break your nose?’ ‘I walked into a door.’ ‘Didn’t you look where you were going?’ ‘I didn’t think it was necessary. The door’s usually open. Some
idiot
must have closed it.’ ”
    He thought that was a good idea for a joke, but it just didn’t sound funny when he said it. Joe wouldn’t think it was funny.
    That became the new test. After each joke, Gary tried to decide if Joe would think it was funny.
    “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose has turned into a flower. What should I do?’ ‘Take two aspirin and water it twice a week.’ ”
    No, Joe wouldn’t like it.
    “ ‘Doctor, my mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.’ ”
    No, Joe …
    “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose has turned into a frog. I don’t know what happened. It used to be a tadpole.’ ”
    He shook his head in disgust. He walkedover to his window and clapped his hands. “Here we go,” he said. “Starting all over. The funniest jokes in the world!”
    Outside, three young girls were roller-skating. Gary could hear the wheels clacking against the cracks in the sidewalk. He watched them for a while. Two of the girls were much better skaters than the third. The two good skaters kept getting way ahead, then they would turn around and come back for the other one.
    “C’mon, Sarah!” he heard one of the good skaters shout.
    Sarah fell down. Gary watched her struggle to her feet and go after her friends. He continued to watch until all three girls were out of sight.
    He clapped his hands together again. “Okay. Here we go. The funniest jokes in the world.
    “I ate a chocolate cookie that was so hard I chipped a tooth. I guess it was a chocolate
chip
cookie.”
    No, Joe …
    “I saw a lady wearing sunglasses in the rain. ‘Why are you wearing sunglasses in the rain?’ ‘I don’t have an umbrella.’ ”
    In his mind he saw Joe standing there, hands on hips, shaking his head.
    “I saw a duck carrying an umbrella. No. No ducks. We already decided that.
    “A man goes into a doctor’s office. ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me!’ ‘What seems to be the problem?’ ‘It’s my green hair.’ ‘Have you tried dyeing it?’ ‘I did. I dyed it green.’ ”
    He thought he saw Joe smile.
    “ ‘Why’d you dye your hair green?’ ‘It’s my favorite color.’ ‘Then what’s the problem?’ ‘I’m going bald.’
    Joe shook his head.
    “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me!’ ‘What seems to be the problem?’ ‘I’ve grown a mustache.’ ‘So? A lot of people have mustaches.’ ‘But I’m only twelve years old.’ ‘Some people mature faster than others.’ ‘But I’m a girl.’ ‘A lot of women have facial hair.’ ‘But I’m also bald.’ ‘So? There are many beautiful women who have mustaches and are bald.’ ‘My head gets cold, and it makes me sneeze, and the snot gets caught in my mustache.’ ”
    Joe made a face.
    Gary sighed. He glanced at the book on his