Free The True History of the Blackadder by J. F. Roberts

wake of Peter Jackson’s blockbuster movie franchise, Tolkien spoofs seem trite and opportunistic, but when A. P. R. Marshall and J. H. W. Lloyd brought their swords ’n’ sorcery yarn to Radio 4 in 1980, they were not only treading on virgin snow (perhaps excepting Terry Gilliam’s Jabberwocky from 1977), but the programme’s broadcast even pre-empted the famed BBC Radio adaptation of The Lord of the Rings – which any Tolkien fan would assume they were aping – by a whole year.
    Produced with his signature ear for ambitious atmosphere by Geoffrey Perkins, fresh off the back of H2G2 , Hordes of the Things tells the incredibly sorry tale of the pre-Time world of Middle-Sea – or more specifically the land of Albion, ruled by the inaccurately named King Yulfric the Wise III. Even more specifically, it is the cliché-ridden heroic quest of the wood-poacher Agar, son of Athar, and his minotaur friend Stephen.
    As the weak ruler is played by Paul Eddington, it’s all too tempting to draw parallels with his greatest portrayal of all, Jim Hacker in Yes Minister , which had debuted on BBC2 at the start of the year – and coincidentally, the sitcom’s co-creator Jonathan Lynn also featured in the radio saga as the greedy dwarf Golin Longshanks. But these weren’t the only well-known voices in the cast – Irish actor Patrick Magee spat out the lunatic narration with rumbling rapidity, Maggie Steed played Queen Elfreda, Prince Veganin was Simon Callow in full Shakespearean bombast, the great Ballard Berkeley popped up briefly, and the crucial role of ineffective wizard Radox the Green was filled by Frank Middlemass. Perkins was also very lucky to retain the services of the extraordinarily versatile voice artist Miriam Margolyes, in the role of Agar’s gorgon mother, Dyandetes the Three-Faced Sybil, and sundry harpies. Despite being an Oxford native, of Jewish Belarusian descent, Margolyes had first shown her comedic flair in the Footlights, back in the days when girls were barely tolerated, let alone allowed into the club. She filled the allotted non-masculine roles in Double Take (with Cleese, Chapman, Barclay, Brooke-Taylor and Tony Hendra) in 1961, but sadly that was no breakthrough year, and neither were the first two subsequent decades of her career. But as her vocal expertise was always hugely in demand, she crammed in a dizzying array of jobs over the years, from Jackanory to the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny, the female roles in the TV series Monkey , and even recording audio porn. But her abilities stretched far beyond the microphone, as time would eventually prove.
    The dry and linguistically pedantic humour of Hordes of the Things naturally bears some resemblance to H2G2 , but in its epic nature the onecomedy programme it feels closest to is undoubtedly The Black Adder . The sound aesthetic of the two programmes – mocking melodrama, setting up impressively epic scenarios from a time of kings and castles, battles and fresh horses, and then instantly undercutting them with silly pathos – makes them non-identical twins, but twins nonetheless.
RADOX:
Harpies have never dared approach the hidden glade before – it’s restricted, you see. You must have something very precious for them to seek you out like this. A magic coat of mail? A shield? A ring, perhaps?
AGAR:
A ring? What use to anyone is a ring? ( STEPHEN groans .) Oh, yes! There’s my sword. Observe the scabbard of jewelled copper.
RADOX:
It’s magic, there is no doubt! I mean, look at the ivory inlay, the ebony motifs, and here on the blade, in fiery runes for all to see! The words of the elder tongue! ( Reads ) ‘ Tra-gu-dan-borith, tra-corna-pagadarith … ’
AGAR:
Could it … Does it mean, ‘One man shall save the realm, six shall he gather’?
RADOX:
I’ve no idea, I failed Runes.
    Callow’s foghorn soliloquising as Veganin so blatantly foreshadows Brian Blessed’s terrifying Richard IV that it’s easy to imagine him being second on the list