Free Tony: Alvarez Security Series by Maryann Jordan Page A

pocket finding his wallet, he pulled out the faded, worn picture. His fingers traced the faces once again. It’s getting harder to remember your face, Marla. But I remember how you made me feel. Happy. Like I was the center of your fuckin’ world. He thought about how old Sofia would be by now. Running around? Playing? What would be your favorite food? As much as his heart ached, he could not picture what she would look like if she were still alive. In his mind, she would always be the tiny, wrapped up infant he held the day she was born.
    What would you want, Marla? You gotta tell me, ’cause I’m lost here. I’m afraid to move forward…to open myself up to that kind of pain again.
    “ Life without pain, isn’t really living.” Where have I heard that? Jesus, fuck. That was what she told me when she was in labor with Sofia. The memory washed over him as he thought back to the long, arduous labor. He hated seeing her in pain and had told her that he would take it all away if he could. She just looked up at me between contractions and said, “Life without pain, isn’t really living.”
    At the time, he simply thought she meant that without the labor there would be no baby. But maybe, just maybe she meant more. Was telling him more. Was even giving him permission to live again, even if it opened him up to pain.
    I want to try again, Marla. I want to try with Sherrie. He did not feel out of control. Panicked. Unsure. Instead, for the first time in a very long time, he knew what he wanted to do. Tomorrow, he vowed, I’ll start something new with her. Show her what I can be. What we can be. And treat her the way she deserves to be treated.
    Sighing, he stretched his long frame on the sofa, pleasantly surprised that it accommodated his height. With his head on the arm, he lay with the photograph on his chest while staring at the fire. His eyes finally closed, falling into a troubled sleep.
    In the middle of the night Sherrie quietly got out of bed to go to the bathroom. Not seeing Tony at first, she tiptoed toward the fire, seeing him asleep on the couch. Unwilling to disturb him, she turned to move away when a photograph on his chest caught her eye. She took one step closer, peering down to see a faded picture of a younger, smiling Tony with a beautiful dark haired woman holding a newborn baby.
    Heart pounding, she felt sick as her mind raced. His hand, curled around the baby had a wedding ring. He was married. Married. Her thoughts swirled as she ran through the possibilities. He’d never leave his wife and baby which can only mean…oh my God. They must be… Not letting her mind accept the possibility that a young mother and baby could have died and what that would have done to a man like Tony, she numbly tiptoed back to her room.
    A heavy weight pressed on her chest as she lay back down in the bed. A beautiful wife. A new baby. A smiling Tony. She rolled to her side, as a silent tear slid down her face landing on the pillow.
    I’m a poor girl from a foster background with a dead, fucked-up druggie sister who had threatened his friends. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. It looks like he had perfect. I am nowhere near perfect.
    Wiping her face, she realized that it was time to cut Tony loose. Time to let go of the idea of them together. Time to move on.
    *
    Tony woke suddenly, his military senses on alert. Not used to sleeping so soundly, it took a moment to figure out what he was hearing. Jumping up off the sofa, he caught sight of the photograph that had landed on the floor. Grabbing it, he slid it back into his wallet. Torn between feeling lighter than he had in a long time and knowing that something was not right, he glanced to see the bedroom door was open and then sprinted to the front door to see the noise coming from the outside.
    Throwing open the door he halted, stunned at the scene in front of him. The snow was still swirling creating a winter wonderland, completely covering their cars.