Free Tony: Alvarez Security Series by Maryann Jordan

don’t feel like you should. And that you wished we hadn’t had sex up against the wal—”
    “Not as your first time,” he interrupted. “Sherrie, I never lose control. If I lost control in the Special Forces, men could die. With my agency if I lose control, a mission can go wrong and others can get hurt.”
    “So…,” she hesitated. “You’re not sorry we had sex, but sorry you lost control?”
    “Yeah.”
    “But Tony, sometimes life is about losing control. Giving into feelings. Going with your gut reaction. Not everything in life is going to be like a planned mission.”
    Shaking his head, a sadness crossed his expression as he said, “I don’t like the feeling of not controlling things around me.” He looked up and continued, “We haven’t even touched on the part of me not using a condom. I swear I’m clean. I’ve got the papers to pro—”
    “I trust you,” she said quickly, hating the turn of the conversation.
    “Well, if you get pregnant you’ve got to tell me—”
    “Stop, just stop,” she said, her anger beginning to rise. “I will not be your mission again. Poor little virgin gets pregnant and you have to rescue her one more fucking time!”
    The silence stretched between them. She saw the shadows of the firelight flicker across his chiseled face. His demons still existed deep inside and until he could let go of them, she would never really have him to herself. I don’t mind you having a past, but if I can’t have all of you…
    Several minutes passed, both lost in their thoughts. “What are you thinking?” he asked softly, both wanting and dreading her answer.
    Licking her lips, she kept her gaze steady as she answered, “I’ve wanted you for a very long time. There’s so much about each other that we know and yet I’m sitting here thinking that we’re still such strangers.” With a final squeeze of his fingers, she stood, looking down on him. “I gave myself to you gladly. Was it spontaneous? Yes. Was it amazing? Absolutely. The difference is that you have regrets because of whatever-the-hell keeps you from really living life. I get that something’s in your past that keeps you wanting complete control. We all have our demons, Tony. And for someone who is all about maintaining control, you have lost it with them.”
    At that, his gaze shot up toward hers in question.
    “Yeah, Tony. You say you’re in control, but whatever has hold of you…whatever holds you back? That’s what really controls your life.”
    With that, she walked toward the bedroom alone. At the doorway, she paused but did not turn around. If I look at his face, I won’t be able to be strong. Sighing deeply, she added, “I want you Tony. But I want all of you. I deserve all of you. Not just the little part that you’re willing to give to me.” I want more than friendship.
    She walked into the bedroom and closed the door. Sliding out of her sweat pants and sweatshirt, she pulled on her pajamas again and crawled under the covers, glad that the heat was still working in the cabin. She wondered if she would be able to sleep, but exhaustion took over and she drifted off. For the moment, peace was only found in slumber.

Chapter 6
    S leep did not come so easily for Tony. He sat for a long time, looking into the flickering flames dancing in the firelight. Strange, but fire was comforting to him. It always took him back to the campfires he and his men would sit around. On cold nights in Afghanistan, it was sometimes the only warmth they had. Tony’s mind opened and he allowed himself to wander back in time.
    It was easier then…to talk, share, feel. At least before. Before life came to a screeching halt and the coldness seeped in to stay. After that, the campfire conversations centered around their missions. Looking back, he knew that was when the missions became his life. His control. Nothing else mattered but getting in, getting the job done, and getting all his men out safely.
    Reaching into his back