Free Heaven and Mel (Kindle Single) by Joe Eszterhas Page B

I CAN EAT NO MORE SHIT."
    • "IT'S HARD TO SETTLE DOWN WHEN SOMEONE IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO KILL YOU."
    • "I CAN'T TALK WHEN I'M BEING RAPED."
    • "HAPPY EASTER. THERE WERE TOO MANY WITNESSES. JESUS IS COMING BACK — BUT THIS TIME — HE'LL BE PISSED!"
    * * * *
    MEL SENDS US A PHOTOGRAPH of Luci wearing the Cleveland Indians ball cap that we bought him. Luci looks joyous to be wearing her Tribe hat. Luci goes right up on our refrigerator, right next to our grandchildren.
    * * * *
    WE'RE BACK IN HIS LIVING ROOM with our Douay-Rheims Bibles in our laps, talking about the Maccabees script.
    Mel, I've learned, thinks completely in graphic, often violent, visual images.
    For an introductory sequence, he visually describes the actions of David and Moses. For the villain's death, he describes in great detail the crows that will peck his eyes out, as the crows pecked the thief's eyes out in "The Passion."
    He says, "In 'Braveheart' I loved choreographing the fights on the battlefields. I loved figuring out new violent ways of stabbing people."
    But he doesn't know anything about characterization or plotting. He knows nothing about actually creating and keeping a character alive or determining his motivation. He knows this work has to be done. He knows a movie can't succeed without it, but he doesn't know how to do it.
    That's fine with me. I've learned (sometimes painfully) through more than thirty years of screenwriting that the film is always better off if the director doesn't try to write. But part of the problem here is that Mel actually received co-writing credit for "The Passion," "Apocalypto," and now for "How I Spent My Summer Vacation." I know that he received this credit by making agreements with his so-called "co-writers," but the very fact that he received the credit, I feel, has made him believe that he is a writer.
    There is, too, the Prefiguration Issue that hangs over our discussions. I find myself having to say more than once that this movie is about Judah Maccabee, not Jesus Christ.
    But one day when Mel is playing and laughing with Luci on the living room floor, he suddenly turns to me and says, "What I really want to do with this movie is to convert the Jews to Christianity."
    I ask him what that means, but he says nothing. He goes back to rolling around on the floor and laughing with Luci.
    I'm not laughing.
    * * * *
    I SEND BJORN PORK AN EMAIL of a description of Judah Maccabee that I discover in one of the books that I'm reading.
    "Judah died the martyr and the champion of his country. Among those lofty spirits who have nobly resisted the most wanton oppression, few have surpassed Judah Maccabee. None ever fell valorously in a better cause. He loved the Word of God, the Sabbath, the Temple, the Altar, the City of the Great King, and the service of Jehovah. None loved the people more, none governed them with greater wisdom, none led them to more splendid victories. He was the last great human leader, like Joshua, and deliverer, like David."
    Bjorn Pork sends no reply. I wonder if it's because I made no mention of the prefiguration of Jesus.
    * * * *
    MEL IS VERY BIG ON ENZYMES . He eats a cheeseburger for lunch and doesn't feel very good afterwards. There's an enzyme he takes for stomach upset. He tears around the house looking for his enzymes and realizes that he's run out.
    He calls Nick Guerra, his treasured assistant, in the office in Santa Monica. Nick dispatches his assistant to buy a bottle of enzymes at a health food store and deliver it immediately to Mel in Malibu.
    * * * *
    MAURA COMES OVER while Mel and I are talking about the script. I think Maura is smart and read. She says that in her opinion, Judah Maccabee is the second-most-important person in the Bible… right after Jesus Christ.
    I know how devout Maura is — believing just as much as Mel in a Catholic faith that no longer exists (except, maybe in their imaginations), so I'm not surprised by what she has said.
    I am, however, stunned by