Free Web Site Story by Robert Rankin

paranormal. And she was an outsider, an out-borough type. She was a stranger here. But she
was
here and if something
was
going on, she really truly meant to get right to the bottom of it.
     
    At the bar counter, Derek bobbed up and down trying to get some attention. 'Over here, please,' he went. 'I say, over here.'
    The professional barman went about his professional duties in a highly professional manner.
    He served the regulars first.
    'Oh come on,' called Derek. 'I was here before him.'
    'Coming right up,' called the barman, serving somebody else.
    'The service here is rubbish,' said Derek to an ancient gent a-seated on a bar stool.
    'I never have any trouble,' said the ancient, whose name was Old Pete. 'Have you tried ordering your drinks in Runese, that would help.'
    'Are you sure of that?'
    'I'm sure.'
    'Sadly I don't know Runese,' said Derek. 'In fact I think the entire concept of a universal tongue of forty words to be utter rubbish.'
    'You'll be a long time getting served then.'
    Derek sighed. 'Do you speak Runese?' he asked.
    'Like a native,' said Old Pete.
    'So how do you ask for a large red wine and a large vodka and tonic?'
    Old Pete studied the glassy bottom of his empty glass.
    'All right,' said Derek. Til get one for you too.'
    'One for me first,' said Old Pete.
    'All right, first. So what do I say?'
    'Say "Large dark rum over here for Old Pete,'" said Old Pete.
    'That isn't Runese.'
    'But it will work, trust me.'
    Derek sighed. 'Large dark rum over here for Old Pete,' he called to the busy and professional barman.
    'Coming right up,' called the barman. And Old Pete's rum came right up.
    'That will be one pound, two and sixpence,' said the barman.
    'Pay the man,' said Old Pete.
    'And a large red wine and a large vodka and tonic.'
    'One pound, two and sixpence,' said the barman once more.
    'Pay the man,' said Old Pete. 'Then I'll tell you how to do yours in Runese.'
    Derek paid the man and once the barman had turned away to the cash register, Old Pete spoke certain words in Derek's ear.
    'Ah,' said Derek. 'Thank you very much.'
    The barman returned. 'Your change, sir,' he said.
    'Ravata nostromo, digitalus, carberundam,'
said Derek.
    'Pardon me?' said the barman.
    'Ravata nostromo, digitalus, carberundam,'
shouted Derek.
    'That's what I thought you said,' said the barman, and drawing back a mighty fist, he swung the thing forward and punched Derek right in the face with it.
    Derek fell down to the bar-room floor in a bloody-nosed confusion.
    An elderly gent seated next to Old Pete chuckled into his ale. 'Although I must have heard you do that at least a hundred times,' said he, 'it never fails to crack me up.'
    'Cheers,' said Old Pete, raising his glass.
     
    Kelly helped Derek up from the floor and helped him back into his chair.
    'He hit me,' Derek mopped at his bloody nose. 'That barman hit me in the face.'
    'I'm not surprised,' said Kelly. 'I'd have hit you too if you'd said that to me.'
    ‘I thought Runese was the Universal tongue of Peace.'
    'That wasn't Runese. That was Brentford Auld Speke and you really don't want to know what you said.'
    'You're laughing,' said Derek. 'You're laughing.'
    'I think we'd better go,' said Kelly. ‘I’ll treat you to a chicken pie and chips and then I'll take you back to my digs and you can make sweet love to me.'
    'Can I?' said Derek. 'Can I really, please?'
    'No,' said Kelly, laughing some more. 'But I will treat you to the chicken pie.'

5
    The morning sun touched lightly on the eyes of Kelly Anna.
    The suburban bedroom where she awoke wasn't white though, it was puce. Whether puce really qualifies at all as to being a colour, is a subject for scholars to debate upon. But hopefully in some hall of academe where the walls aren't painted puce. Puce and beige are closely related.
    Pink and puce are not.
    Kelly yawned and studied her watch. It was nearly nine fifteen.
    Kelly rose, and had she been observed by a waking companion, he, or possibly she, would have seen that