Free Life Is Not a Fairy Tale by Fantasia Page B

dropping out of school. That was my biggest mistake ever, and I pay for it every day. You see, I’m what I would call a functionin’ illiterate. That means that I “get by” in life, but my readin’ isn’t what it should be. I am workin’ on it. I am still not confident enough with words or letters. If I see a word that I’m not familiar with, I still get scared. Sometimes I don’t even know how to begin to pronounce them or even how to sound the letters out. Not a day goes by that I’m not ashamed about my situation. If you hand me a newspaper, I just look at the pictures and try to figure out what happened. I do recognize the common words like “death” and “money,” “taxes,” “president,” “baby,” “marriage,” and “rich,” but most big words or too many words together just scare me. I know that this is a shock. This is one of those private mistakes that will no longer be private once this hits the news. That is why when I sign my autograph I draw my lips. When people ask me to write a special message, I have trouble forming words right on the spot, so I write something short like “Be Blessed” or something like that, something that I already know how to write. Whatever I write, I mean it from my heart.
    Although I got to ninth grade, I forgot a lot of things. I had never made good grades except for that one time in Charlotte, when I actually sat and listened to what the teachers were saying, but that was a long time ago. It was the only time that I wasn’t distracted with dreams of B. cloudin’ my brain. I know that I’m smart. I’m just not educated. I used to say that I was never blessed with “smarts.” But I feel differently now. I’m blessed with “smarts” because I haven’t given up and I will learn to read all of the words there are to read someday soon. That is my promise to myself.
    You must think I’m crazy to put my business out here like this, but the reason I’m doing this is to go behind the gossip and let you know that this is one mistake that no one should ever make. Ever. In those days, when I was thinkin’ I was being cool by not going to school, I didn’t realize that the coolest part of my life should have been spending my days at Montlieu Elementary School. A Laurin Welborn Middle School, and T. Wingate Andrews High School. The coolest part of my nights should have been struggling with math homework and writing papers. Most of my friends were actually going to school and learnin’ somethin’, and I was at home lookin’ stupid—watchin’ TV, not being able to read, not being able to count. In those days, I didn’t even feel comfortable counting.
    Truthfully, I never applied for many jobs, because I couldn’t fill out the application. Whenever I tried, I left so many questions blank because I couldn’t read them that the applications always ended up in the garbage. That is dumb, plain out dumb. This is how you see that one big mistake just creates another one. It’s a chain reaction.
    I was embarrassed and ashamed and I still am, despite the Idol competition, despite the pictures in magazines, despite my improved self-esteem. I was stupid for not stayin’ in school. And the private part of my shame is that I want to be as smart as everyone else. I want to be wise about my own money, I want to be able to understand a contract that’s presented to me and not have to ask someone else what it means. I want to be able to read a script and take it home and think about it on my own time instead of needing someone to go through it with me. I want to be able to think for myself and not have to walk around with people all the time, helping me get through the simplest things. My public mistake is that I didn’t finish school. My private mistake is that, although I’m talking about it now for the first time, I’m ashamed and hating myself for my choices. I’m angry that my life brought me to this place. I’m angry that my parents couldn’t control me