Free Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by JOHN GOTTMAN Page A

the two groups, however, in that Emotion-Coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems.
    Our studies showed that Emotion-Coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions—even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear—can serve useful purposes in our lives. One mom, for example, talked about how anger with a bureaucracy motivates her to write letters of protest. Another dad talked about his wife’s anger as a creative force that energizes her to tackle new projects around the house.
    Even melancholy feelings are portrayed in a positive light. “Whenever I’m feeling sad I know it means I have to slow down and pay attention to what’s going on in my life, to find out what’s missing,” says Dan. This idea extends to his relationship with his daughter.Rather than disapproving or trying to smooth over Jennifer’s feelings, he sees her sad moments as opportunities to be close to her. “It’s a time when I can just hold her, and talk to her, and let her say what’s on her mind.” Once dad and daughter are on the same wavelength, it’s also a chance for Jennifer to learn more about her emotional world and how she relates to others. “Nine times out of ten, she doesn’t really know where her feelings are coming from,” says Dan. “So I try to help her identify her feelings. … Then we talk about what to do next time, how to handle this or that.”
    Many Emotion-Coaching parents talked about their appreciation for their children’s emotional expression as an indication that parent and child share the same values. One mom described how gratified she felt watching her five-year-old daughter grow teary-eyed over a sad television program. “I liked it because it made me feel like she’s got a heart, that she cares about things other than herself; she cares about other people.”
    Another mother told how proud (but also surprised) she was the day her four-year-old snapped at her after a scolding. “I don’t like that tone of voice, Mommy!” the little girl told her. “It hurts my feelings when you talk like that!” Once the mother got over her shock, she marveled at her daughter’s assertiveness and felt pleased that the girl would use her anger to command respect.
    Perhaps because these parents can see value in their children’s negative emotions, they have more patience when their children are angry, sad, or fearful. They seem to be willing to spend time with a crying or fretful child, listening to their worries, empathizing with them, letting them vent their anger, or just “cry it out.”
    After listening to her son Ben when he’s upset, Margaret says she often tries to show empathy for him by telling “when I was a kid” stories. “He loves those stories because they let him know it’s okay to have his feelings.”
    Jack says he makes a concerted effort to tune in to his son, Tyler’s, perspective, especially if the boy is upset over an argument he’s had with his dad. “When I really listen to Tyler’s point of view, it makes him feel a lot better because we can resolve things on terms he can accept. We can settle our differences like two people, rather than a guy and his dog.”
    Emotion-Coaching parents encourage emotional honesty in their children. “I want my children to know that just because they’re angry doesn’t mean they are bad or that they necessarily hate the person they’re angry with,” says Sandy, mother of four girls. “And I want them to know that good things can happen from the things that make them angry.”
    At the same time, Sandy sets limits on her daughters’ behavior and tries to teach them to express their anger in ways that are not destructive.