Free Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by JOHN GOTTMAN Page B

She’d like to see her girls grow to be lifelong friends, but she knows that in order for this to happen, they must be kind to one another and nurture their relationships. “I tell them it’s okay to be mad at your sister, but it’s not okay to make mean remarks,” she says. “I tell them that your family members are the people you can always turn to no matter what, so you don’t want to alienate them.”
    Such limit setting is common among Emotion-Coaching parents, who can accept all feelings but not all behavior. Consequently, if these children act in ways that might be harmful to themselves, to others, or to their relationships with others, Emotion-Coaching parents are likely to put a quick stop to the offensive behavior and redirect their children to an activity or mode of expression that’s less harmful. They don’t go out of their way to shield their kids from emotionally charged situations; they know kids need such experiences in order to learn how to regulate their feelings.
    Margaret, for example, has been working on options for her son Ben, a four-year-old whose personality has been volatile since infancy. Left on his own with his anger, “he often grinds his teeth and screams and throws things,” Margaret explains. “He takes it out on his little brother or breaks a toy.” Rather than trying to eradicate Ben’s angry feelings—a fruitless effort, Margaret believes—she is trying to teach him better ways to express his feelings. When she sees his tension starting to build, she steers him toward activities that will allow some physical relief. She sends him outdoors to run hard or down to the basement where he can pound on a drum set she recently bought for just this purpose. Although Margaret worries about Ben’s temperament, she says she recognizes a positive side to his stubborn, hard-driving personality, as well. “He’s not a quitter. If he’s working on a drawing and he doesn’t like the way it’sturning out, he just keeps working on it, even if that means throwing it out five and six times. But once he gets it right, his frustration is gone.”
    Although it can be unsettling for parents to watch from a distance as kids grapple with problems, Emotion-Coaching parents don’t feel compelled to fix everything that goes awry in their kids’ lives. Sandy, for example, says her four girls often complain when she tells them they can’t buy all the new toys and clothes they’d like. Rather than trying to placate them, Sandy simply listens to their frustration and tells them it’s perfectly natural to feel letdown. “I figure if they learn to handle little disappointments now, they will know how to cope with bigger disappointments later on in life, if they need to.”
    Maria and Dan also hope their patience will pay off later on. “Ten years down the road, I hope Jennifer will have dealt with these feelings enough times that she’ll know how to react,” says Maria. “I hope she’ll have the self-confidence to know it’s okay to feel this way, and there is something she can do about it.”
    Because Emotion-Coaching parents value the power and purpose of emotions in their lives, they are not afraid to show their own emotions around their children. They can cry in front of their kids when they’re sad; they can lose their tempers and tell their children why they’re angry. And most of the time, because these parents understand emotion and trust themselves to express their anger, sadness, and fear constructively, they can serve as models for their children. In fact, parental displays of emotion can speak volumes to a child about ways to handle feelings. For example, a child who sees his parents engage in a heated argument and then resolve their differences amicably, learns valuable lessons about conflict resolution and the staying power of loving relationships. By the same token, a child who sees his parents extremely sad—over a divorce or the death of a grandparent, for example—can