Free The Cold Kiss by John Rector

tricks on me, then the light got brighter, and I saw a man’s face in the glow.
    I didn’t understand what I was seeing, then the red light flew into the air and landed soft in the snow.
    A cigarette.
    A second later, the door across the parking lot opened and someone went inside. I stood for a moment, hoping that what I saw wasn’t real, but I knew it was.
    Someone had been watching.

    Sara opened the door and stepped back.
    “Oh, God!”
    I went inside, then straight to my bag by the side of the bed. I grabbed my pills and tried to open them but my fingers were frozen and I couldn’t work the lid.
    Sara took the bottle and tapped two pills into her palm then handed them to me.
    I swallowed them dry then said, “More.”
    She tapped out two more.
    I took them, then sat on the edge of the bed.
    “Are you okay?”
    She kept her voice soft. She knew.
    I told her I was, then leaned forward and tried to untie the laces on my boots. They were caked with snow and ice, and my fingers wouldn’t bend.
    “Get my boots.”
    Sara bent down and knocked the snow away then untied the laces. She pulled off my boots then my socks. They were soaked through, and my feet were numb.
    I tried to stand.
    “What are you doing?”
    “Bath,” I said.
    She helped me up then grabbed one of the candles from the nightstand.
    “No light.”
    “It’s just a candle.”
    “No light.”
    Right then, any light was too much.
    Sara put the candle down then helped me to the bathroom. Once I was inside, she asked if I needed help.
    I told her I could do it.
    She stood in the doorway for a moment longer, then she stepped out and shut the door.
    With the door closed, the bathroom was black except for a small frosted window, high up next to the ceiling. The light leaking through the glass was cold and gray, like a dying moon.
    I leaned down and turned the water to hot then started taking off the rest of my clothes. When I was naked, I crawled over the side and sat in the tub and let the water cover me.
    I kept my eyes closed until the stabbing pain in my head started to fade, then I looked up and focused on the window, hanging in the steam.
    The water burned my skin, but I still couldn’t stop shivering. I could feel the familiar haze that came along with my pills. It pulled at me, removing me from the world one step at a time.
    I welcomed it.
    Once my headache was gone, I closed my eyes and slid under the water. The silence was glorious, and I felt like I could hold my breath forever.

    When I opened my eyes again, the water had turned cold. I reached over and pulled the plug on the drain then got up and grabbed one of the towels off the rack and wrapped it around my waist.
    I stepped out, bracing myself against the sink.
    The room was dark and the tile floor felt cold and slick under my feet. I stood for a while, staring at my reflection in the mirror, but all I could see was a shadow, hunched forward, breathing.
    Every time I closed my eyes I saw Syl’s face staring up at me from the bottom of the ravine. Someone told me once that freezing wasn’t a bad way to die, that eventually your brain just shut down and you fell asleep.
    Nice and peaceful.
    I wanted to believe it was true.
    I grabbed the sides of the sink and squeezed. I could feel my pulse in my jaw, and I knew the pain in my head was still there, hidden under my medication, waiting.
    The image of Syl wouldn’t go away.
    I could still hear his voice, calling for me to help.
    I wondered if he was already dead.
    His voice got louder. I couldn’t escape it.
    I bit the insides of my cheeks, hard, then stepped back and slammed my fist against the mirror. The glass shattered and dug into my knuckles, but there was no pain.
    Syl’s voice was gone.
    I stood for a moment, breathing hard, my heart beating strong in my chest. I could feel blood running over my hand and dripping onto the tile floor.
    Somewhere far away, Sara was calling me.
    I reached down and opened the door.
    She was sitting up