Free Candy Man by Amy Lane

up the same optimism that had sent him to Sacramento on a bus. “But, you know, maybe you just adjust the dream and keep going, right?”
    Finn’s smile at him was not up to its usual wattage. “Wow,” he said quietly.
    “Wow what?”
    “I mean, here I was, thinking you were pessimistic as hell—”
    “I am.”
    “No! You’re not! Look at you. You’re ready to start again, start from scratch. That’s amazing.”
    Adam swallowed, feeling somehow like he’d let Finn down. “You don’t sound amazed,” he observed tentatively.
    “Yeah, no.” Finn unlocked the doors and slid into the driver’s seat. “I’m amazed that you’re optimistic about the future, I’m just depressed that you don’t seem to be optimistic about people. ”
    Adam blinked slowly. “Well, I didn’t doubt you’d show up tonight. That’s something.”
    Finn’s troubled expression lightened up a notch. “That’s true. In fact, that’s awesome . Okay. I take it back. I can have a little faith.”
    Adam’s heart did a backflip, stopped beating, and started up again with a ragged little limp. “You were gonna give up?” he asked, a pain he’d been trying to avoid for the last two years blooming in his chest.
    “No!” Finn protested, sounding shocked. “No—Adam, you’re a tough nut to crack, but you’ve drawn me two pictures and taken a walk with me. I think we’re okay.”
    Adam thought about it for a minute, the pain receding but not quite going away. “You deserve more,” he said, feeling wretched. “How bad was the last guy that I’m something to hold on to?”
    “Wasn’t bad, really,” Finn said, starting the car and pumping up the heater. “Just, well, I’ve got about two more years on my degree, right? And Perry zipped through his degree, because hey, Humanities, no waiting, and then just didn’t ask me or anything. Went to Virginia for his MA and doctorate. I mean my family is here, and yeah, maybe I’ll have to leave them eventually, but he didn’t even ask me. Just said, ‘I’m going, and you can come with me or we can break up.’” Finn let out a grunt. “I mean, it hurt. We’d been together for three years. He was my first boyfriend after high school. I guess—I guess I thought my life would matter too.”
    “It should have,” Adam said gruffly, thinking about Robbie and their plans to come out, their plans to leave the Army together. Adam had already put in his papers. Robbie never did. “Those sort of promises, they should matter.”
    Silence fell, and then Finn took a deep, fortifying breath. “Are you going to tell me?”
    Aw hell. But he’d been losing faith. Finn had been losing faith. Suddenly Adam felt the need to give him faith, something real.
    “See, I was a real slut in the Army,” Adam started out, because hey, let’s be honest. “I pretty much blew anyone who didn’t look at me straight.”
    “Yeah? So you’re pretty good at it?” Finn asked, sounding like he was willing Adam to be the god of all blowjobs.
    “I got no idea,” Adam muttered. “It was….” He blew out a breath. “See, I joined the Army ’cause my grandmother is a real bitch, right? And she spent my entire childhood telling me I was a coward, and I sucked, and I would never amount to anything. So I joined the Army because she would respect that. But I never admitted I was gay, and I never told anybody that I didn’t like girls, and I just—you know—some guy in high school looked at me funny, pulled me behind the bleachers, and next thing I know, I got a dick in my mouth, and if I’m gonna suck, well, that’s the way to do it, right?”
    “Holy God,” Finn said, and Adam was doing this wrong, but at this point, he couldn’t stop.
    “So military was the same thing. But then Robbie and I, suddenly we’re not just blowing each other. Suddenly we’re—we’re important to each other, and I say the word, yanno? The big scary word?”
    “Love?” Finn hazarded.
    Adam shuddered, reluctant to