Free The Concubine by Francette Phal

never leaving mine.

“Did you now?” You wipe your lips with the back of your hand, your voice chilling.

“Yes,” I say with all certainty, ignorant of the utter contempt in your gaze. “I knew that you would return…”

You throw the pouch and it falls unceremoniously to the floor. “Returned have I? And exactly where have I gone?” 

“I thought…I have…I have missed you so much, my love.” I approach and carefully rest my hand on your arm.

“Don’t!” you lash out with such vehemence that I am left aghast. “Don’t you dare stand there and lie!”

“I do not lie. From the very minute you left me, Marik I have done nothing but hope and pray for your safe return. I have missed you more than words…” Your long strides eat up the distance between us in seconds. You crush me to your massive frame, in complete dominance now; you take hold of my jaw and force my gaze to your hateful one.

“How long did you mourn me before you jumped into his bed? How long before your love for me turned into dust? How long before you beget his bastard?” There is dangerous intent in your eyes, a murderous gleam that frightens me. “Tell me again just how much you have missed me, and I will make sure the sentiment is shared by your children.” The force of your shove forces me to the floor, my outstretched hands just barely breaking my fall. Your hate is unjust, my love. You’re cruelty unwarranted.

“You cannot hate me.” I sound so pathetic, so desperate and weak.

I hear your scoff and then you’re down in front of me on the balls of your booted feet. Your calloused fingers grip my chin, forcing me to look at you.

“You are beyond my contempt.” Your lips are bruising and vengeful when they fall upon my own. You extract the very sob from my lips as you stand to leave.

Sanity has left me as I run after you. I grab your arm and turn you around. In the mid-day sun I relinquish whatever dignity left to me and fall to my knees before you, my arms wrap around your waist, holding so tight I feel you tense beneath my touch, my hold hangs firm.

“Ask me how many times I have tried to take my life, while I prayed for you? Ask me how many tears I have shed while my heart and soul continued to hope. Ask me how many times I moaned your name while he took me? Ask me how many…“

“Enough!” you pull away, spectators gather now to stare at the debacle that is my life. I refuse to care! 

“My life has never been my own .Everything I have done since the age of seventeen has been for you! Only and always for you! I have loved you, how I have loved you! You left me for wives. You left me for your whores! And yet my heart remained true to you. You left me in search of your precious war! For five years! And still I took no one to my soul, only meant for you…“

“And your body? What of that? He has lain…”

“A shell, he has lain with only a shell.” I feel utterly numb. “Do not dare stand there and hate me, your majesty , I am worth so much more than your hate.” I stand and stagger back to the tent, my body drained.
    ***
    My angst knows no bounds, my ire falls at an eternal second, like gaping wounds I allow them to fester deep within the fibers of my being, they have become kin to me and I welcome them wholeheartedly.

You are beyond my contempt  

Stupid, insufferable man! Idiotic, arrogant swine! What have I ever done to deserve your hate? Loved you? I am to be hated for foolishly loving you? Even now, my heart yearns for you! It bleeds for your comfort, and yet you are incapable of providing it! 
    Am I to be hated for protecting the only thing we’ve ever done right? Our sons live and breathe because of me! And yet in your self-righteous ire you failed to see what is so obvious.

I know I cry, and yet anger has taken residence in my chest and I wish you were here that I could show you just how much I could be hated. 
    “How refreshing it was to see my husband set in his place.” Somia? I turn