Free Better Off Dead by H. P. Mallory Page B

like I was hired to do,” he ground out, taking a deep breath as he swung his arms forward and then backward. He threw his butt into it too, as if he were about to attempt a long jump. And he did jump, but not exactly far. With the accompaniment of a banshee-like cry, he hopped about a foot or so forward, then threw his arms out to his sides, looking like he was in the process of being abducted by an alien spacecraft.
    “ You’re about ta get some angel retaliation, bitches!” he yelled. He then proceeded to do five jumping-jacks in quick procession, uttering high-pitched yips and whoops until he sounded like the captions from a melee on the old Batman TV series.
    The demons simply star ed at him, stupefied.
    “ Woo!” Bill yelled as he pointed his fingers, holding them out before him like guns. “I’m about ta make yer day, douche faces!” he screamed, turning his glowing finger gun at the creature closest to him. “Woo!” he screamed again as he cocked his fingers back. A bright light shot off the end of his hand, combusting into a fireworks show right in front of the demon. The creature roared, doubling over on itself in an attempt to get away from the sparks of Bill’s finger gun.
    “ Yeah, how you like them angel apples, you little turd monkey?” he called, suddenly spinning on his heel in a Michael Jackson move. “Oooo smack!” he sang, holding his fingers out before him while a flame of white light encircled him. The demons pulled back as he approached, baring their teeth, and trying to intimidate him.
    “ Yeah, that’s right; smile, and say cheese, bitches,” he laughed, sounding like he’d completely lost his mind. Throwing bursts of light into the sky, he continued raving like a mad man. “Give me some lip, you little demon farts!” Then he faced the Grevels again. “Yeah, you heard me, you smell like Satan’s ass!”
    One of the demons pawed the ground, snarling as Bill approached him. But Bill seemed unfazed and continued with his aerobic angel resistance tirade. He jumped up and threw out his leg like he was kickboxing. “Yeah, you want some more, you little gonad sucker?” The demon growled again, pulling its lips back and exposing rows of fierce, saber-sharp teeth. “That all you got, Rainbow Brite?” Bill asked, roaring at it, like he was attempting to impersonate The Lion King. The demon responded by further curling its lip back, to which Bill did the same, revealing his teeth that were about as intimidating as Mr. Ed’s. ”You wanna shit yer last chance undies, buddy?”
    The Grevel pawed the ground again, erecting itself to its full height as it growled louder, steam filling its nostrils.
    “ Thoir do chasan leat !”
    I heard the deep voice coming from behind me and turned so quickly, I gave myself whiplash. But the pain in my neck was a distant memory as words died in my throat. It was all I could do to stare at the stranger, fear already enveloping me. He was, in a word ... intimidating. He was huge—maybe bordering on seven feet tall—easily the tallest man I’d ever seen. And his build was just as threatening: incredibly broad shoulders, offset with bulky pecs, and abs that could have redefined “washboard.” He wasn’t wearing anything besides a black kilt and what looked like Gladiator sandals—leather straps that snaked up his muscular legs. In his right hand he held a sword with an incredibly long blade—the tip of which currently rested in the snow.
    Even though his body seemed built for combat , I couldn't pry my eyes away from his face. It was a face that would be very difficult to forget—with chiseled and square lines that didn’t seem at home in the category of “handsome.” In fact, I’m not sure you could have termed this guy handsome because he was entirely too masculine for the word. His eyes, which were currently narrowed on me, were navy blue and hard, just like the rest of him. In fact, hard was a good description. There was a certain hard