Free No Phule Like An Old Phule by Robert & Heck Asprin Page A

the same dull-colored jumpsuit as the men (Phule now realized). The name tag on her breast read C. I. Snieff. “I certainly hope that’s an exaggeration, Captain,” she added, pursing her lips. “We want to keep this planet’s indigenous territory unspoiled, wherever possible. Your company’s presence is enough of a problem.”
    Phule wrinkled his brow, slowly beginning to realize that there was something going on he didn’t quite follow. “Excuse me,” he began. Before he could finish the thought, a new creature emerged from the shuttle hatchway and made a beeline for the Legion hoverjeep, uttering a steady stream of angry barks.
    “What the hell?” said Gears, jumping back into the jeep to escape the agitated animal.
    “Hey there, big fellow,” said Phule, going down on one knee and stretching out a hand to the dog.
    “What’s your name, huh?” The dog, ignoring him, circled the hoverjeep, staring balefully at Gears and snarling.
    “Surely you recognize Barky, the famous Environmental Dog,” said Snieff. “He’s been on tri-vee allover the galaxy. Every schoolchild loves to watch him sniff out pollution and other dangers to the natural balance. Your hoverjeep’s emissions must not be properly controlled.”
    “I beg your pardon, ma’am,” said Gears, who had climbed up on the seat to avoid the attentions of Barky. “I set this vehicle up myself and if it ain’t totally up to spec, I’ll eat it one piece at a time, without no/ketchup, neither. Hey, can you call your dog off?“ he added, with a note of concern.
    “Barky is never wrong abut pollution.” said Snieff.
    She turned to one of her companions, and said, “Inspector Slurry, please impound that vehicle until we can have it properly tested.”
    “Woof!” said Barky, the Environmental Dog, his front paws up on the running board of the hoverjeep. It was not a friendly “woof.” Gears cringed.
    “Wait a minute,” said Phule, interposing himself between Snieff’s two assistants and the hoverjeep.
    “That’s a Legion vehicle. You can’t impound that…”
    “We certainly can,” said Snieff, haughtily. “Inspector Gardner , show him the subpoena.” The third member of the team, a tall thin man with long reddish blond hair and a goatee, grinned and handed Phule a folded envelope. On one side it was marked, “Recycled Paper.”
    Phule turned it over to read the other side: “Alliance Ecological Interplanetary Observation Union: Inspection Order and Subpoena.”
    “Subpoena?” asked Phule, blinking. “Inspection?”
    “Sir, I believe I understand the situation,” said Beeker.
    “This is obviously not the party of, ah, visitors we were expecting. This is an Environmental Inspection team from the Alliance Ecological Interplanetary Observation Union. And I’m afraid, sir, that they are perfectly within their rights to impound any vehicle suspected of improper emissions. The laws are quite explicit on that subject, sir.”
    “Alliance Ecological Interplanetary ObservationUnion?” Phule stared at the three inspectors, a puzzled look on his face. “But we shouldn’t be under their jurisdiction. This planet has its own sovereign government…”
    “That may be so, Captain,” said Snieff. “But we certainly aren’t about to take your word for it. All the preliminary reports indicate that we might just be in time to prevent an environmental disaster. And nothing I’ve seen so, far suggests anything to the contrary. Beginning with your driving a vehicle out to our landing site. Are you Legionnaires so lazy you can’t use your own feet? Have you forgotten how to march?”
    “Wh-what?” sputtered Phule. “I don’t understand…”
    “Sir, I think we’d best get out of the inspectors’ way and let them do their work,” said Beeker. “And next time you receive an environmental impact questionnaire, I suggest you give it to someone other than Tusk-anini to fill out.”
    Phule nodded, understanding at last “In that case,