Free If I Can't Have You: Susan Powell, Her Mysterious Disappearance, and the Murder of Her Children by Gregg Olsen, Rebecca Morris

she left him.
    She was held captive by love, fear, and the church’s promise that if she prayed harder, everything would get better.

 
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    Yesterday I helped him organize/clean his office and the loose papers (another one of his excuses/stalling tactics) and as I was soundlessly crying myself to sleep last night I told him kind of desperately, “now is the time you can say nice things to me” so he said in a tired/bored voice “thanks for helping me clean my office and stuff” and that was all … then he kind of bumped me and I said as a hopeful suggestion “are you trying to hold my hand?” and he muttered something not audible and then a little bit later I held his hand for a while until he pulled away.

    —SUSAN POWELL E-MAIL, JULY 11, 2008

    Being a Mormon in Utah is different from being a Mormon anywhere else. The faithful who live there are at the center of the universe. Temple Square in Salt Lake City is to Mormons what the Vatican is to Catholics, what Mecca is to Muslims. In Utah, the local church or ward is the focus of a couple’s life. And while obligations to the ward are large and time-consuming, nothing is more crucial than maintaining a happy, peaceful home. Husbands are the breadwinners and heads of household. Women are the nurturers and homemakers and are generally submissive to their husbands, as indicated by scripture.
    When the Powells joined the Hunter 36th Ward, everyone there immediately loved Susan. They put up with Josh for her sake. He seemed selfish and immature. Susan was the opposite. She never met a stranger. She never saw a baby that she didn’t want to hold.
    Josh, raised in a troubled family, with parents in a volatile marriage, had never had a positive role model. When they moved into the house on W. Sarah Circle, Josh seemed to do his best to emulate what others were doing. He talked about raising a family, about planting a large vegetable garden, about making sure that he could bring in a decent income.
    For a brief time, the Powells were the embodiment of the ideal young Mormon couple—in a place where they needed to be.
    *   *   *
    In the first years after the couple’s move, Chuck and Judy Cox felt more optimistic about Josh and Susan’s marriage. The Coxes didn’t like the idea of Susan being so far from home, but the incident involving Steve had made the departure necessary. Susan didn’t tell her parents the details, how Steve had confessed that he loved her, had tried to kiss her and had spied on her.
    Without knowing the particulars about why Susan wanted to leave Washington, Chuck reminded Judy that all couples need to build their own lives. In Utah, Susan and Josh had the support of the church, as well as Josh’s sister Jennifer, and her husband, Kirk.
    Both of them immediately got jobs with Fidelity Investments, Susan in the phone bank and Josh in the IT department. Then—at Josh’s urging—Susan got her broker’s license, required to climb the ladder at Fidelity.
    After just two weeks on the job, Josh—who’d never had a job he thought was his equal—was being Josh.
    “How is the job going?” Chuck asked his son-in-law.
    Josh started to grumble and complain about Fidelity and his manager.
    “Terrible. They’ve got some really old computers and they have bad procedures and they really need to make some changes.”
    Chuck sighed. He’d heard that before. Josh always considered himself the smartest guy in the room. His over-the-top assessment of his value and abilities got him fired from the assisted living jobs in Yakima and Olympia.
    “Josh, Josh, get along,” Chuck said. “Do what you need to do to keep your job. They don’t want to hear all that from you on your second week. Try and get along, you can’t control everything.”
    Shortly after father and son-in-law spoke, Fidelity “phased out” Josh’s job and he was let go. Josh always thought he knew more than his employer. His track record as a furniture installer, working in