Free As You Are by Ethan Day

meeting. How about Tuesday?”
    “Tuesday I'm wide open,” I said.
    “Really? That's very good to know,” he said with a flirty tone.
    “That's not exactly what I meant, dirty—Oh crap. I'm also supposed to invite you to Gabby's on Wednesday. She's having a dinner party that I'll end up doing all of the cooking for.”
    “Okay, I really have to go. If I don't talk to you tomorrow, I'll ring you Monday with directions and a time. Any particular movies you'd like to see?”
    “I'm sure whatever you pick will be fine.”
    “A little voice tells me I better get this one right. And just so you know…it's killing me to not ask who your plans are with on Sunday night.”
    I smiled, loving that he'd not only felt it but also admitted to it. I decided to leave that comment and stick to the flirty side of things. “Hearing voices. So not a good sign; I'd get that checked out.”
    “Well, Tuesday you can give me a thorough examination.”
    I laughed, setting my bowl down onto the coffee table. “Good-bye, One-track McGee.”
    “Ciao.”
    “Sick.” I smiled as I set the phone next to me on the sofa. I snatched up the remote and the TV Guide and settled into the sofa for an afternoon of couch commando. As I scanned the TV programming possibilities, the phone began to ring. Absently reaching over, I picked it up and pressed the Talk button, cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder.
    “Hello,” I said.
    “I wanna lick your pussy,” a voice said in an obviously fake gruff tone.
    “Who is this?” I smiled.
    “The man who's going to pin your legs back and fuck you like the whore you are, bitch.”
    “Excuse me?” My mouth fell open a bit as I began to feel my face flush. I checked the display on my cell phone and saw UNKNOWN NAME/UNKNOWN NUMBER.
    “I want to spread you open and lick your pussy,” the gruff voice spit out.
    It was now apparent that this was not a friend playing a joke. “Well, that will be difficult, seeing as I don't have a pussy.”
    “Huh,” he said, voice cracking.
    “Of course, if you'd like to wrap your lips around my big, juicy cock…” I started laughing when I heard the click on the other end of the line. People always assumed I was a woman when I answered the phone.
    I loved it when telemarketers called the loft looking for Danny. I'd tell them he wasn't home, and they'd inevitably ask if I were Mrs. Wallace. I, of course, said yes and then did my level best to keep them on the phone for as long as I could. Constantly interrupting, I'd ask idiotic questions while they tried to give their big sales pitch. I seriously needed a life. I set the phone down, and it immediately began ringing again.
    I rolled my eyes and snatched up the phone. “Listen, you sick fuck. I don't have a pussy, and if I did, I'm pretty certain you'd be the last person I'd let anywhere near it.”
    “Julian!”
    “Mom?” I pulled the phone away and cringed as I looked at the display. Would it have killed me to take two seconds to check the caller ID?
    “What a truly distasteful way to answer the phone.” She was near hysterics. “Have you been hanging around your father again?”
    “No, Mom, there was a prank phone caller; I thought he was… Never mind, I'm sorry.” Good Christ, someone shoot me.
    “Prank phone call or not, that is a disgusting, vulgar way to talk. If he calls back again, you just hang up. I don't want my baby speaking that way.”
    “I'm twenty-eight years old, Mother. There are no longer any dirty words I haven't heard or used at this point.”
    “Well, it's never too late to better yourself as an individual. I did not raise my son to communicate in such a manner. I can't believe I just heard my little baby using the P word.” Her voice was practically back to normal now.
    “Mom, I said I was sorry. What's going on? Why are you calling? Is everything all right?”
    “Aside from your potty mouth, everything is fine. I was calling to let you know that I'm flying in on Tuesday. I