Free The Marriage Book by Lisa Grunwald, Stephen Adler

thoughts before an engagement, the more likely it is that his arguments will be persuasive; that the fight will confine itself to one issue instead of ricocheting all over the intimate landscape; and that the opponent will feel compelled to come up with calm, constructive counterproposals. It’s like negotiating a labor dispute well before the deadline, not after the union has voted to strike.
    Surprisingly few couples realize this. . . .
    Far too many fights become needlessly aggravated because the complainant opens fire when his partner really is in an inappropriate frame of mind or is trying to dash off to work or trying to concentrate on some long-delayed chore that he has finally buckled down to. Indeed, there are times when failure to delay—or to advance—the timing of a fight can have cataclysmic consequences. . . .
    Making an advance appointment for a fight is particularly useful because mutually favored fight times are rare. There are morning fighters and evening fighters; partners who prefer to fight at cocktail time or bedtime or dinnertime, or only with (or only without) the children or others present. . . .
    People tend to place fights where they feel territorially at home. The wife may fight most comfortably in the kitchen, the husband from behind the big desk in his office-fortress, the young man in his brand-new car.
    A boat is a superb place for an intimate encounter, especially if one of the partners is fight-phobic, because fighting goes best where the combatants are isolated and find it hard to get away from each other. . . . Once partners are better informed about the why, when, and where of fighting, they are ready to consider what to fight about.
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    JOAN DIDION
    O, THE OPRAH MAGAZINE INTERVIEW, 2005
    Author Joan Didion (1934–) was married for thirty-nine years to the author John Gregory Dunne. His sudden death in 2003 inspired her to write a brilliant meditation on time, love, and mourning: The Year of Magical Thinking , which was published in 2005.
    Didion has written novels including Play It as It Lays and Democracy as well as collections of essays and columns on social, political, and psychological subjects. Dunne wrote nonfiction books including The Studio and novels including True Confessions . Together they collaborated on screenplays. The interviewer was Sara Davidson.
     
DAVIDSON:
As marriages go, I think you had a pretty great one. Do you feel that?
DIDION:
Yeah, I do. Finally it was, which is not to say we thought it was great at every given moment. Each of us was mad at the other half the time.
DAVIDSON:
Half?
DIDION:
Maybe a quarter. A tenth of the time. In the early years, you fight because you don’t understand each other. In later years, you fight because you do.
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    JAMES CARVILLE AND MARY MATALIN
    CNN INTERVIEW, 2009
    Democratic consultant James Carville (1944–) was known for his Cajun cockiness and his deft handling of Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential bid. Mary Matalin (1953–), a longtime Republican adviser, was his adversary on the campaign of incumbent George H. W. Bush. Separately, each was a political force to be reckoned with. Once they married (the year after the election), they were a walking (and frequently talking) example that ideological conflict need not be an obstacle to marital harmony.
    Carville and Matalin have been frequent television and radio presences; both also teach and lecture. Carville consults on international campaigns. Matalin edits a Simon & Schuster imprint. The interviewer was John King.
     
KING:
We asked people to text in a question for James and Mary. And here’s what we got from Indiana: “Love you both. Can you show both houses of Congress your secret for compromise?”
MATALIN:
Well, we’re not a democracy. We’re an enlightened MOM-archy. That’s what we are.
CARVILLE:
As long as one person is not arguing, there’s nothing to argue about. I don’t have a position on anything domestically. So I just say yes, and then go on